My younger sibling seems to be struggling with problems that I think are related to self esteem. It’s the same trouble I had at their age, and I think it’s related to our parents. I want to clarify that they are not abusive, just very human. I grew up believing everything was my fault. I’ve noticed a lot lately that my younger sibling seems to think everything is their fault, and they never acknowledge their own feelings. They are in high school and don’t have a lot of work right now, so my parents have given them a lot of “extra” stuff to do. It’s simple stuff like chores/learning a language. They feel really bad about being upset about those things since everyone else in the house has college or work. Admittedly, I think my whole family is at fault for creating those feelings. They were complaining about why they were the only one who had to do these things, and we all said we were working full time. I realized after the fact how unfair that was (we are not entitled to their time) and subsequently apologized for participating in that attitude.

Now here’s where I need advice. Every time I have a conflict with them, they don’t have a conversation about it, they just slip down into profusely apologizing (for really small things) and taking blame for things that either don’t need blame at all or aren’t their fault. I feel like I can’t raise any issue with them because I am reinforcing these feelings for them which really concerns me. I am afraid they are going to end up in a bad situation some day. I try to make myself super available for them to talk to since I suddenly moved back into their space, which I feel terrible about. But let me explain an example why this is so challenging.

Example: they were upset because I made a too much noise during a graded dance class. They were playing video games during that 40 minute class period (I’m not saying their hobbies aren’t important or that they shouldn’t have uninterrupted time to do this, but it wasn’t critical that the house was silent). I spoke to my family and we tried to find a different place to take my last few classes but the house is small and there wasn’t any. I noticed they were really defeated and have since had trouble talking to me about issues after that. I feel like in every situation to them, there is a right and a wrong answer and their side is usually the wrong one.

Example of how I’m afraid I’m reinforcing those habits: I was taking an exam yesterday when they got excited about something. They were well aware of my exam. I called down to them to be quiet for 20 more minutes (I actually just said their name to remind them that I was still working, and they knew how long the exam was). Afterwards, they apologized more than a few times despite me asking them not to. I explained hat I felt bad that I paused their excitement, and that I wasn’t in anyway mad, but that if I hadn’t said something, they wouldn’t have stopped. I tried to make it not adversarial but it still seemed to seriously reinforce these notions they had. We also conflict a lot over pet care, as our dogs bark a lot. I try to let them know my class schedule each day and that I would help in between (again because I think they deserve uninterrupted time for their hobbies) but there have still been tons of time where the dogs barking in the house or whining at the door has interrupted my classes. I can’t raise these or any issues with them.

TLDR How can I resolve conflict with them (because we will have conflict, we’re living in a tiny house with other siblings, multiple pets, and our parents) without setting them up for low self esteem? I want them to know that their opinions, arguments, and emotions are valid. I also want them to know that I respect and value their time. But right now I feel like I can’t talk to them without solidifying their anxieties about confrontation.

Thank you for reading all the way to the end!