I grew up in a household/family that express “love” very different. The words “I love you” was never said in my family. Never. I rarely spent time with my parents. They worked 7 days a week, no holidays. When I woke up for school, they were still asleep; when they get off work, I should already be asleep. This was the norm to me. I know that a lot of Asian households had trouble expressing this type of emotion. As I grew older, I realized that maybe they didn’t understand it, just like me. Just like me, their parents didn’t show them what “love” is so they have issues showing me. Maybe there wasn’t ever any love, just tolerance.

I didn’t think it affected me much, until now. April 2018, I gave birth to a little boy. When I was pregnant, I didn’t feel attached to my baby. After he was born, nothing changed. It was never “my baby”. It was always “the baby”. Now that he’s 20 months (a little over one and a half), I’ve started to feel small moments of “my baby”.

I dated my current s/o for 4 years. I care deeply for him, but recently I questioned wether or not I really loved him. As I was questioning myself, I realized that I didn’t know what I was looking for; I didn’t know what love looked like.

At one point, my s/o said he “love[d] me deeply”, and I asked him what that entailed. He said, “When you hurt me it affects me not just emotionally but physically. It’s heart wrenching. When you make me happy it’s not just the present that I feel. I reminisce of the past and think of the future. You have pushed me to be better and although my patience has been tested I know we’re not perfect. I love not the idea of what I think we should be, but you. I feel loving another is wanting to do and be better not just for them, but because of them. I think if we didn’t meet I’d be pretty stagnant. Other relationships I’ve had were similar in length but not nearly as rich in experiences. I didn’t strive to do and be better. So although I did care for them I can tell that I truly love you. It surprises me how much I’ve done and will continue to do.”

I felt something similar, but not that intense. I think my main issue is that I didn’t know what love felt like or looked like, but also that I was a selfish person. Doing something for somebody with no return just doesn’t seem right to me. I would feel cheated out of something. I am aware of this bad habit of mine and am trying to chance but it is INCREDIBLY hard.

I didn’t feel love or see love within my family. My grandparents didn’t teach my parents how to love either. And they didn’t teach me. I want to break that cycle. But in order to do so, I need to know what is.

Please tell me what does love look like to you.