He lied straight to my face about relapsing a few days ago when he needed a ride to his dads house. I was more upset with myself for not recognizing any of the typical tweaker symptoms than I was about the lie and because I was an addict before, I was understanding. I told him that he fucked up. He knew he fucked up. I knew he fucked up. But, it was what he did from here that mattered. I spent NYE with him. He had been lying to me about sleeping. I don’t know if he had been using but he had been up for 5 days, mix that with the medical grade weed I brought over and it was a mess. I babysat last night, but I was fine with that. I told him that I will be there for him every step of the way if he chooses recovery even if it means driving two hours to the rehab he wants to go to when my schedule allows. I’d write letters. We could talk on the phone. I’d be his biggest cheerleader. But, I would not watch him kill himself on drugs.

He gets $400 in cash aid tomorrow. He owes me $150 and I don’t know how much to his mom. I’m hoping beyond hope that he doesn’t spend the rest on meth. I’m hoping he doesn’t relapse again. I hope he chooses recovery.

I know I can’t force him, so how do I force myself to be okay with it?