I just want to warn anyone who will read this that it will go into deep topics that has happened in my past life. Although brief, the post itself is long and I am asking for advice over the situation over my boyfriend and I and not over my personal problems. Also, I don't mention these problems for people to be sorry for me over, but to understand where I'm coming from.

I would consider the two of us to be really close. When we're around, I solemnly am not around him. We enjoy a lot of the same things (we actually met at an anime convention) and we are planning to go this year once again, especially since we consider it our anniversary.

Here's the problem: We are 80 miles away. We both don't like travelling the long distance because I, after my car accident, had to get a much older car that has 100k miles on it and I'm always nervous when I drive it in such a long distance and he has recently got a car, but he and his brother use it; his brother works the night shift while he works the day. We can never find a good time to actually see each other and we never have enough money to do anything.

With all of this, I began to start feeling a lot of depression and when I'm having a hard time or if I end up stopping what I'm doing, I end up missing him greatly and just cry. A real life example was when I was at work, I asked my boyfriend if he could see me on my birthday this Saturday, which he replied that he just couldn't. I was pretty upset about it and we tried to figure out something, but nothing really came to mind for either of us, so we just left it at that, him forgetting to say goodnight to me that night which upset me even more. (ADHD, not entirely his fault, but whatever.) The next day, I was supposed to work until the afternoon and my coworker ended up texting me, saying that she had some pain in her liver so she couldn't come in. It just threw me over the edge and my other coworker came back from the bathroom and asked if I needed a break, which I started sobbing as I nodded to him and ran to the break room, just crying and trying to compose myself. My boss for the night came into the break room and asked me what was wrong, and I found that I was even more upset over how my boyfriend wasn't going to be able to see me as I just told him.

Today at least we were able to see each other and has a nice dinner together and we were cuddling in his car a bit. He noticed that I wanted this more than I wanted anything else and we spent a half an hour together, cuddling, kissing, and singing to some Gundam music.

We were talking in the past before over the fact that I may have a separation anxiety issue, It's entirely possible that it could be the case, especially since I try to talk to him whenever I can, but I think it's deeper. I think it's because I have had a lack of love all my life. My mom died when I was 9 and since then, I have had a dad who abuses alcohol and abused me verbally, occasionally physically, and by simply neglecting me. He had married a woman who had the same issues and had physically and mentally abused me by screaming profanities at me and trying to pull me and the like, things I don't want to get into. Thankfully I have moved away, if not far, at least away from the situation to the point where I don't have to deal with it on a personal level. I've had friends before, but I feel as if all of them had kind of abandoned me and ignore me to this day. Finally, before him, I have felt so much heartbreak in my life that I had the image that I was just an unlovable person in the first place. My boyfriend has been the longest relationship I have have, to this day, is the closest relationship I have with anyone, and most importantly, the only person that I can truly go to with anything I want to say, whether it be a problem or not.

And sex isn't the issue, because I'll be honest; we're both inexperienced. Too not sound entirely NSFW, I can usually take care of that at night on my own with no issue. But I feel like it's his warmth and his arms around me, no matter what time of day it is, that really hurts. I have two weighted blankets. I use one for a normal blanket and use the smaller, yet heavier, one to use it as his arm so it can imitate the feeling of his arm wrapped around me. I also have a body pillow to cuddle as well. But it all just isn't the same. It's not warm. It's not chubby. It just feels like an empty shell of an average person. He even gives me shirts he had worn for a while to me to just have that presence of him, but eventually, the smell goes away and I'm left with nothing.

He has told me that he shouldn't be my only source of happiness, and although I agree with him fully, I just can't seem to get myself to just be like that. I do have hobbies, but I no longer have the money or free time to enjoy a majority of them and I don't really have any friends to talk to about anything, so he's the only person I can really go to to speak my mind. He has told me time and time again that I need to see a therapist to solve this issue, but I told him that I refuse to go to another one again for two reasons: One, every single time I go, I am charged by my insurance $60. Because of that, I have a racking medical bill I have to pay for after I get the rest of my debt taken care of and it's something I don't want to worry about because if I do end up getting really sick, I don't want to get denied to see a doctor. And two, this particular office I did go to cycled through therapists like milk, so I saw one for six months, but when she quit her job there, I saw another one, only to realize that he too was quitting his job after a few months. I went through it until there was no one left and I am not going through that mess again. So therapy is out of the question.

I guess the question of advice I would like answered is what should I do in this situation? Our relationship isn't in any peril, but he does want me to find another source of happiness that isn't him. It's just hard to do when you're always busy with work and don't have anyone else to talk to. I would love some advice about it. I'm tired of being a depressed mess when I want to show him that I'm strong.

But I guess it shows that I'm not. And I need help with that.

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TLDR: My boyfriend wants me to be happier without him since he says that he's my only source of happiness, but I guess I don't really know how to do that. How do I stray my thoughts away from him?