I'm stuck in a situation that seems to have no right answer. Today, my grandmother Eileen passed away. Her and I were extremely close since the time I was born until she got sick with Altzheimer's and started to forget who I was. I used to spend my summers living at her house. We'd go to amusement parks and she'd teach me how to bake and cut my hair. She was easily my favorite relative.

The problem comes with the funeral. I was devastated when I found out about her death and I honestly don't think I've stopped crying since. I am filled with dread thinking about having to go to the funeral. I don't think I can handle it mentally. Also, I want to keep the last memories I have of her alive and not really get that closure. I know Ill cry the whole time and not be able to celebrate her life the way I need to to process this.

I'd rather celebrate her by remembering her and not going to this terrible event just to show people that I did love her?

I feel like a terrible granddaughter. I love (loved?) her so incredibly much yet I can't suck it up enough to give her 3 hours of my time to say goodbye. My therapist and I have discussed that I'm the kind of person who needs to process on my own time and being forced into closure severely affects my ability to look back on memories fondly.

To further complicate it, I'm graduating from high school on the same day as her funeral. I would feel terrible if my family went to this somber event and I'm walking across the stage and going out to dinner. However, like I said, I cannot handle the funeral.

I just don't feel like there's any good option here and I'm trying to deal with the loss of my best friend and not be focused on stressing out about her funeral. Im sorry this is so rambling and confusing I just love my grandma B so much and if she were here she could tell me what to do. Any advice would be appreciated cause I'm feeling hopeless. Thanks.