Hello all, so I apologize if my title is weird or this post is somewhat of a rant. I dont usually post anything like this but I'm not sure where else to turn to.

So I love to create worlds and write stories in those worlds and haved loved doing so ever since I was a child. Back then I dreamed of being the next Tolkien or Rowling and everything seemed so clear cut on what I needed to do. I just needed to go to college, get a degree in writing or something under that umbrella of study, and work my craft until I made it like my idols. I remember thinking if Rowling could do it after being a homeless mother for five years I could surely do it, right?

Well I fucked everything up.

Over these five years since I graduated high school I've done nothing but make mistake after mistake. I flunked out of two colleges because I couldnt focus and fucked around instead of working, got an apartment and ran myself ragged doing graveyard shift jobs I hated because I didnt want my parents to think I was useless, until I lost my apartment because I couldnt manage my money and resorted to stealing and scamming which ended up with my parents having to bail me out again. Ive lost important people in my life because I was stubborn and proud and too distracted with my own self-created problems to help them, and since my parents have bailed me out I havent been able to get any sort of job besides delivering food which pays pennies while stuck at home basically living off my parents like some gross leech.

Since then I've been trying to pick up the pieces and make something good out of them, but I have no idea what to do and I'm terrified of just destroying whatever little good things I have left by dedicating myself to some grand life plan that ends up running me back into the ground. I want to do what I love, to write and create, and there's a story burning inside me that I just want to show the world but when I try to see how I could write a book or a screenplay or try and design a game or anything else I just see myself failing again. It kills my motivation and I can't even write more than a page before deleting it because I cant stand how bad it is. I get caught in a cycle of worldbuilding and motivation only to freeze when I try to put actual words on paper. Its like I'm choking on my story whenever I want to finally start it for who knows how many times now.

I know I'm only 23, and that I still have a long life ahead of me to get out of this pit but it feels like I've already made enough mistakes to last a lifetime. I've lost my way and now I can't even see the way back anymore.