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I'm just a hot mess right now.
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I don't know where to begin.

I believe I have severe depression.

I have an insane amount of trouble focusing. I have to reread paragraphs, sentences, hell even words over and over and over again to truly understand what I'm reading. I feel like my mind is not really "here" in the present, and it gets so easily distracted by the tiniest sounds or thoughts. It's taking over my life as a writer and my whole sanity.

I'm in a writing job that I'm sick of, partly because of my lack of focus and partly because I'm running out of creative ideas. And every time I take a day off, I return to my job with feelings of dread.

I lack time management skills and I feel like my whole day revolves around my writing job. I want to start writing books that I actually care about and start auditioning again (I'm also an actor) but I feel like my hours and days go by so fast. That, and after my current work day is done and over with, I'm too burnt out to even start writing or finishing one of my books.

Since I'm a freelance writer, my income fluctuates greatly. I don't have any type of insurance. I want to see a therapist, but I'm afraid of the costs and showing signs of weakness to another person, even if they're a professional.

I feel like my mind has split into two and they're constantly battling against each other. One is screaming "get help" while the other is saying "no, you can overcome this on your own."

I never used to be like this and I'm not sure where this all started. I feel stuck, lost, helpless, and very very alone. My social circle is comically small, and I don't really talk about my issues to the friends that I have, simply because we're not that close.

Hell, I don't even know if this is the right place to post this kind of shit. But thank you for reading, whoever you are.

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5 years ago