This gets very ramble-y and I’m sorry for that. I just don’t know how else to get all my thoughts out.

So here’s some background to my situation: I was always very depressed and struggled like severe anxiety through high school. I maintained high grades somehow (high functioning I suppose). My senior year I made a new friend and we got to be very close very quickly. She was very toxic and manipulative towards me. She caused me to have a full on mental breakdown and that sent me spiraling downwards. I hit rock bottom a couple months before I graduated high school. This was back in 2015. I spent all of 2015 and 2016 bouncing around to 3 different universities only to back out because my anxiety force me to. I was having daily panic attacks that lasted for hours. I couldn’t function properly. I decide to go to a community college so I can stay home and commute (still a 45 minute drive one way, but oh well). School causes me more anxiety attacks and I don’t handle them well at all. I start to make small improvements on my mental health and how I handle it.

I decide I’m going to get an Associates degree in Computer Networking along with a Cisco Networking certificate from the college. That’s where I’m at right now in my life and frankly, I feel like a loser. I’m only take 8 credits this semester and 9 credits next semester because that’s the most I honestly feel like I can handle. That’s what makes me feel like a loser. I feel like I’m doing so little compared to everyone else around me.

Going at this rate and how the classes are structured, it will take me 3 years to complete all my coursework. I plan on getting an on-campus job next semester, so that’s an improvement I suppose.

I just can’t stop feeling like I’m not doing enough and feeling like I’m a loser. These feelings are most apparent now that I’ve got back into dating and trying to make friends at college. I compare myself to everyone and I feel like I’m lesser than they are. Are these feelings normal? Should I be feeling this way? How do I help myself stop feeling this way? I’m at a loss right now and it’s impacting my mental health. I’m 22 and I’ll be 24 when I graduate with the associates and certificate (along with a bunch of industry certifications including the CCNA). I just don’t know how I should feel about these thoughts and everything that is happening. I don’t want to push myself too hard and end up negatively impacting my mental health too much where I set myself back again.

I just don’t know anymore.