I was friends with this person for a while, we first became friends in 2016 and it’s been an on and off relationship. This person is amazing and wonderful, highly motivated and hard working, never quits, always willing to lend an ear to listen or a hand to help. I’m the complete opposite; lazy, insecure, more prone to anger than I’m willing to admit, just a really loser-type person. Of all the people this person could have befriended, she chose me. She’s described me as one of her best friends at times but I can’t fathom what she sees in me. This insecurity of mine has driven us apart twice already, both times with months apart without exchanging so much as texts or words with each other, complete radio silence.

This person came back to me recently and after a lot of mutual venting we decided to try and be good friends again. They made it seem like it was just a quick one-and-done, yes-or-no type of deal, but I don’t see it like that. My rationale is that we’ve already fallen out twice already, what’s to stop us from doing it again and hurting us both once more? Whenever we talk now all I can think of is how I fucked it up the last two times and how we can probably never go back to the initial tight bond we had. I really do want and cherish this relationship but now it just feels so uncomfortable to be around her and talk to her knowing I’ve revealed my immaturity and insecurity and how she probably thinks less of me.

She’s tried several times before this to rekindle our friendship over the past few months and every time I brushed her off thinking she was better off without me and I without her. Every time she’s pointed out that she truly does value me and my friendship but was tired that she felt like she was the only one trying to hold it together, the only one putting in effort to maintain it; I realize she’s right. She always organized hangouts and get-together while I did jack squat. She always lent an ear to listen to me rant and offer words of sympathy or kindness , and I tried to do the same but I’m so awkward and unsociable it’s hard for me to do anything but listen silently. I’m at a complete loss. I care about and want to maintain a relationship with this person but I can’t figure out how to go about it without letting my stupid dumbass insecure self get in the way of it.