Hey I don’t know where to start. Background information I guess? My cousin and I grew up together (multi family home) until my parents and I moved a few states away when I was 10. We were very close but with the move, I guess we drifted apart, just occasionally texting. Her mom passed suddenly when she was a teenager. We haven’t seen each other since the funeral. We haven’t kept in touch apart from the occasional text message and I’m not too sure what she’s up to apart from what she posts on social media which is limited.

I got a promotion at work in early December, I posted about it on Facebook, and she texted me to congratulate me. I sent a quick thanks and that was the last time we texted until last night.

I was relaxing on the couch when she texts “I love you.” And a minute later, “I’m sorry go back to bed.” The text is random but I think nothing of it. I text back, telling her that I wasn’t in bed. She starts asking where I am and how my parents are doing. I text back and asks what she’s up to. She sends a “I miss my mom.” Text and I stare at it for a bit. She immediately sends “I’m sorry” after it. Now I’m confused and a bit concerned as she never talks about her late mom or her grief with me. I ask her what’s going on and she texts back, “Nothings going on. I didn’t mean to scare you. I just miss my mom.” I just listen/read. I’m not sure what to say apart from “I hear ya.”

She texts, “I’m sorry for being absent. I love you.” And starts sending random messages of things we would do as kids, “Remember when we were little and would (insert memory here),” I remanence too, reassuring her that she wasn’t absent, we just grew up, we are still there for eachother.

Her texts start to get slurred, “Howsss ur brootherss?” “Donn tell my dad peas” I’m worried now. I text, “Don’t tell your dad what?” She says, “I don knnow sssssory”

I decide to FaceTime her. She accepts it. She’s laying in bed, lights are on, there’s light music playing in the background. She’s looking around. She looks like she’s been crying and I’m worried. I ask her if she’s ok and she looks at the camera. Her pupils are dilated. “Did I call you? How long have we been on call? Time feels so weird right now,” she’s slurring her words and speaking slowly. Thankfully I’m able to decipher what she’s saying. I’ll admit, her question concerns me given that I just started the FaceTime call and she acting like it’s a surprise.

I again ask if she’s ok. She’s looking around the room. “I’m safe. I just want my mama.. I want everything to go back to normal, like when we were kids. I’m stuck. Mom’s not here anymore and everyone moved on but sometimes I wake up and hope she’ll be in her room. I’m stuck.” Her speech is slurred, she’s calling me by my childhood nickname that no one has used in years, she’s trying not to cry and she stares at me for a bit she starts to laugh. Saying I look funny, that everything was “melting” or “moving,” or “spinning” I ask where her dad was, if they were doing anything for NYE. She tells me that hes spending it with his girlfriend at her house and that she’s home alone. Again, I’m worried.

She says, “Oh yeah, New Years. I’ll let you go, get ready for the party. No school, right? We have winter break.” None of us are in school. We both graduated years ago. She pauses for a moment before saying, “Wait, we already graduated, right? Sorry, time is weird right now.” I’m worried and keep the conversation going so she doesn’t hang up.

I ask if she was drunk. “No, no. I didn’t drink anything. I have water.” I then asked if she was high. “Yeah. I promise I’m safe. I didn’t take anything dangerous.” I demand that she tells me what she took.

I never thought of her as the type of person to engage in substance use. I remember being surprised when she first told me about the first time she had an edible (weed). She’d occasionally post a picture on her social media story of an alcoholic drink (a glass of wine) if she was having brunch with friends. Given that they’re both legal and regulated, it didn’t worry me. We’re in our 20s, it’s whatever.

But with how she’s acting/talking/her confirming that it’s not weed or alcohol, I’m getting scared. She’s quiet for a moment before telling me she took mushrooms. I don’t know what to think. She keeps saying that she’s safe, she tested them (I’m assuming for harmful substances like fentanyl?), the tests came out negative, etc. “They’re good, I promise I’m safe. I tested them and they’re good. The tests came out negative.”

She’s home alone, on drugs, and I’m states away. I ask her if there was anyone I could call for her. She immediately begs me not to, “Don’t tell dad. Don’t tell your parents. I promise I’m safe. Just sad.” She’s crying and I’ve never seen her cry so hard before, even at her mom’s funeral.

She’s coaching herself through her crying, “take a deep breath, you need to breathe. It’s ok to be sad. Breathe.” She’s looking around the room before looking at me. “I’m sorry. I’m the older one here. I’m supposed to be ok.” I don’t know how to react or what to think. She yawns and talks to herself “it’s getting late. I go night-night. Night night, mama. I have to brush my teeth.” I ask that she takes the phone with her so I can keep an eye on her.

She suggests that we brush our teeth together. I play along, going to the bathroom to brush my teeth. She’s stumbling, taking her time to walk to the bathroom, leaning onto the wall as she makes her way. We brush our teeth. It takes her a while as she’s staring into the mirror. Her head leans down a few time before she jolts back up and continues brushing her teeth. I watch her as she stumbles to her room, propping her phone up as she lays down in bed, tucking herself in.

All I can do is watch. I feel sick. It feels like I’m watching a car crash. This isn’t the cousin I grew up with. I’m trying not to cry at this point.

She’s talking to herself again, “I think we’re all done now. Your body is feeling tired so it’s time to go to sleep,” she’s yawning. She looks at me and asks if we can have a sleep over soon, like we used to when we were kids. I play along and say yes. She smiles. “My mom loves you, ok? I love you. I’m sorry for not being there for you,” I want to end the FaceTime. I don’t want her to see me cry but I also want to make sure she’s ok. I reassure her that there’s nothing to be sorry for and that her mother loves her very much. She’s nodding off. “Remember, if you have a bad dream, or you get scared, I’m right down the hall! Night night. Love you. I’m sorry for tonight. I didn’t mean to scare you. I love you.” She goes to end the FaceTime call but I tell her not to. I play along, laying down in my bed and suggesting we fall asleep on FaceTime together. The call stays open. I watch her for an hour as she goes to sleep, watching her chest to make sure she’s breathing. I’m crying as I watch her, wondering what happened that landed her where she was. The call stays open for another hour until her phone died.

I haven’t stopped thinking about it since. She hasn’t reached out. She posted a generic “Happy New Years” post on Facebook this morning and her dad posted a selfie of the two of them earlier today when they went out to eat so I know she’s ok/safe. I don’t know what to think. I’m scared she’ll get hurt (or arrested). I have no idea what her substance use history is. I don’t know what to do. All I know is that I’m worried.