This is year is being very hard for me. I am 22, people tell me I am young and that confusion is part of process and they're right, but I wish I had some direction.

I am currently in college studying English/Portuguese. I am Brazilian, small town. I always wanted to be two things: incredibly smart and a musician. I always admired intellectuals and thought that being a rockstar was the ultimate human experience. And let's say that I tried being both.

Turns out I am not the biggest reader and also not a very talented musician. And I know that if I want to get better at something I have to focus. It is just so hard to focus on both, so I am trying to choose.

I choose books. I was studying all day and it was actually paying off, I was very consistent for months. But it took one relationship fight to make everything uncertain again. I did go back to being addicted to social media and started to make music again. My music was cathartic and helped me to feel better, but you know, it is not possible to make a living of my music, it kinda sucks. I don't have to luxury to just give up on everything and focus on being a better musician, and I can't really treat it like a silly hobbie because I easily get obsessed with and can't think about anything else. It's like a curse, it's all or nothing.

It's not like I want to stop being a musician forever, I just want to make a living first to support it. I want to have the education required to have a dignified job and not live in a fantasy land, but it is depressing to be on the computer/books reading and writing summaries all day. I don't even hate learning new things, it's wonderful and I feel powerful, it just feels wrong in my body. Everytime I listen to a good song I feel this inspiration to make a pretty work of art and then it's frustrating when I try it and realize that I have a long way to go. That my art is not there yet to be shared, that I am not even slightly ready to be a performer.

And I have a long way to go with my education too. I feel like I am one of the best of my class but still feel that I could be so much better. I wish I could just stick to a decision, preferably the books decision, but then it is a fight with my passion.