Im a M33 and throughout my life I have fallen in love a few times but of course with little luck in return. I have never been in a relationship nor ever found myself being loved by anyone other than my parents.

Been on several dates which didnt work out. Usually conversations are alright until meeting up in person. I dont consider myself ugly but I dont consider myself any good looking either. I would think that perhaps I have been matching myself up with the wrong people but I slowly lost the interest to try to find someone.

After years of not trying, I got comfortable with being single. It does have its own perks and slowly I have been rebuilding myself. I tend to have a very pessimistic view on life and even if I do see someone attractive, I do not approach them because I dont see myself adding value to their life.

Are there people out there that feels the same way? I do get curious what is it like to be loves by someone, but somehow I feel like I am tired from trying so much. Especially in a fast paced and materialistic society I live in, I feel like I am not deserving of a person who would love unconditionally. As a person who loves sharing jokes, I only find joy in making people laugh but at the end of the day I am often by myself. I dont feel lonely, just wondering if there are others out there that feel the same way.

Recently I had a dream that I was travelling with someone who was comfortably close and affectionate. The feeling was warm and joyful but after waking up, I am lost. Perhaps this is a hint from my subconscious?

I suppose what I am asking is how do people find the drive to want to love again after being numb for so long? Should I try again? Dating apps hasnt been great so far and I am unsure if I want to waste my energy on it again.

Any advise would be great. Ill be happy to chat too if anyone would like to open a DM with me.