To give some context, I was born with neurofibromatosis type 1 and scoliosis, there's a tumor the size of a grapefruit on my brachial plexus nerve in the area of my heart and lungs they could never remove due to the riskiness and it also goes down into my left arm which has always made it appear bigger than my right. Growing up I always looked different than other people and I hated it, I still do. When I was 17 things got even worse, apparently more tumors developed in the cervical area of my spine and started to compress, causing me to have troubles walking. They tried several rounds of steroids to get it to stop and help with the swelling, but it didn't work, eventually they had to do a surgery where they went in and cut the tumors out to relieve pressure. Sadly though, the anesthesiologist neglected his job and let my blood pressure drop below 50 and it didn't get noticed for like 10 minutes until they realized I was about to die. I lost all the blood flow to my spine and pretty much had a spinal cord stroke. Since they had to stop the surgery to save me they had to do a second procedure a month later after I had recovered to finish the job, and a few weeks after that I went into respiratory failure and almost died again and the results of that was me getting a tracheotomy and a ventilator.

This was 8 years ago in 2016, I've made no significant progress at all, and I blame a large part of it on myself. When things first happened I felt as if my life had been taken and replaced with this current horror, and all I could do is lay there and cry. Moving was excruciating, the thing about me is I still have a significant amount of my feeling and function, I very well could have been independent by now if I had just did the therapy I needed to do but I didn't and I don't know why, I just couldn't function and I fucking hate myself for it. Now I'm in the position where I need the kind of help that I can't get, I may not be able to be independent but I could gain a good bit of strength back if I actually had someone to stretch me out and help me with strengthening exercises. It's just my mom and I, and I love my mom I do, but it seems like she's conveniently too busy to do anything to help me out with things like this. Like my scoliosis is literally crushing me and being in the teeter totter thing that hangs me upside down we have could help out so much but nope, it's been collecting dust ever since I got it. My spasms are so bad it looks like my body is convulsing when they're really bad and stretching would literally help them not be so bad and she never stretches me. Every time I bring these things up to her we get into a fight and she cries about how she's already overwhelmed with everything and her hands are full. She denies it every time I say it but I know I'm a burden to her, I'm blessed to have her as my mom because she really has fought for the best for me but at the same time I feel like I'm not being taken care of properly. I'm in pain 95% of the time and I hate myself wasting 8 years doing a whole lot of nothing.

On top of all this I'm so, fucking, lonely. I'm handsome, when I'm not sad I have a great personality and ambitions, plenty of dick that still functions, but still a cripple nonetheless. I mean I'm confident in my own body but I always feel like women want nothing to do with me solely because I'm disabled. I want to be loved so bad, I know a woman won't solve all of these problems but it would give me a reason to live. I know people are going to say that I should live for myself, but I always default to the reasoning that a human being shouldn't be forced to live this way, nobody should have to endure the pain and humiliation I endure. I'm trying to start some kind of hobby that puts money in my pocket and do what exercises I can do on my own but that only does so much. I've recently found myself going back church and found my childhood faith again and it's been refreshing, at the moment it's the only thing keeping me from offing myself but it's also making me feel guilt over the fact that I still jerk off to porn sometimes, I try telling myself it's not that bad because I only watch women's solos or lesbo stuff but adultery is adultery in the good book and alas I remain convicted. I've gotten a lot better about it but I'd like to cut it out completely, it's been hard because ever since I was like 13 it's been a habit and I didn't think it'd be so hard to stop (pun not intended lol) I mean what can I say, orgasms feel good. I am kinda proud of myself though that I've stopped it almost completely, it's just like once in a while that I do rub one out and then feel the conviction. For the most part though life has really sucked and I'm kinda at the point where I'm ready for it to be over, I'm not afraid to die, I was afraid of suffocating to death up until recently and now I'm slowly even accepting that as a possibility. I want to be loved, I want her in my life whoever she is, but at the same time I don't want to live a long life like this. I have a feeling deep in my soul that I won't live much longer, I feel like a good possibility is the rapture will happen and I'll be blessed enough to be one of the ones caught up and taken away from here as batshit crazy as that sounds. But there's also the thought that it'll be my own hands that ends my life.

I don't know how to move on, how do I move forward? How do I find her? What am I supposed to do? I know my condition will eventually largely contribute to my passing if I don't get sucked up in the sky or KMS first but how can I carry on? What can I do today that will benefit me tomorrow? If you made it this far, I just want to say I deeply appreciate you reading this train wreck.

Edit: I also don't have a whole lot of friends, I don't know why I left this part out but I'd even like to make some friends and get out of the house but that's proven to be harder than I thought.