Lately, it is as if my life is crumbling down around me. Living at home with my parents for the past four years has left me feeling alone and trapped. I have become a spectator in my own life, just going through the motions without any real sense of purpose or direction. Lately, I've been struggling to find the energy to do anything for myself. I am stuck in the same monotonous routine, barely feeling anything at all, except for the most terrible thoughts.

In March of 2020 I was forced to leave university and return home. For the past three years and 11 months I have been stuck at home. Literally stuck within these walls unable to go outside. Other than to take the trash out and bring it back in each week, I have not gone outside in nearly four years. The constant pressure to meet my family's expectations only adds to the stress. It is all just so overwhelming and exhausting all the time. No matter how hard I try, nothing is ever enough for them. There is a never-ending list of demands, chores, and responsibilities that are just for me. I have to take care of my parents, my brother, myself, the house, the bills, the phone calls, the trash, the food, etc. It is so suffocating. I can't help but feel taken for granted because of my gender. I never imagined my life would become this, a servant in my own home, and it is hard not to feel resentful about it.

All of my friends have moved on with their lives and forgotten about me. It hurts, but I can't blame them. I don't want to hold them back for my sake. Even in my online classes, it has become difficult keep up. I used to be the top of my class, but am now just doing the bare minimum to stay enrolled. I don't care about these classes, the people in them, or where I stand in relation to my classmates. I am so close to completing this degree, but I don't care. It has become so meaningless. I find myself daydreaming about leaving everything behind and starting over somewhere new. Somewhere free from the weight of my family's expectations. To live a life on my own terms. But the thought of actually making that leap is too much. I am saving money where possible, but jumping out into the world without any sort of support system is an absolutely terrifying thought.

The only distraction from my life is sexual gratification. I am a sex addict in the most extreme way. This is a difficult thing to type out and an even more difficult thing to change. I have been struggling with these urges for more than a year and I can no longer live with these intrusive thoughts. I can't stop myself from acting. It doesn't feel as if I can escape my circumstances, which makes me seek refuge in these urges even more. They are absolutely horrific and have gotten me into so much trouble. They pop in to my head and I am terrified to act on them but cannot resist. There is no one to talk to anyone about any of this, as I am too afraid what would happen if someone found out. These urges help nothing. They waste time, rot my mind, and further erode my sense of self. It was the only thing in the world that I had that was mine, and even that doesn't feel safe anymore. As much as I try to stop and distance myself from those thoughts, ultimately I only flail around desperately each time until I ultimately fail.

Every day feels like a struggle anymore, like I am stuck in this endless loop of monotony and despair. I just want to find happiness and purpose in life again, but I don't know where to start. I am not a danger to myself or anything like that. This is an appeal for advice. How do I get out from under my family? How do I start over? How do I go no contact with all of them? How do I find happiness in this terrible world?