Hey, 18F here. I have two siblings, 15F and 20M.

I don't even know where to really start. This has just been on my mind for a little while now.

I guess I'll just start from the beginning, let it all out. This is going to be a very long post, sorry in advanced. I'll try to spoiler all the abuse so you can skip over it if you want. Tldr is that I've gone through mental, physical, and sexual abuse, and been utterly neglected when that wasn't happening.

This all starts when I was about 5. Remembering my exact age is difficult as I was young and these memories aren't things I like to think about. I can't even describe this in detail it's too painful. She raped me. Like, forced me to... do things. Or maybe forced herself into me would be more accurate. It wasn't just once. It was over and over again. As in like, at minimum biweekly. I really don't want to get into too much detail about it. She used to always help me with my baths, it was normal. It was also that usually after a bath my mom would do her thing. I only got out of it if I was being bathed with a sibling.

When I was around 7, she tried to drown me. She just, shoved me under the water and held me there. I only really survived because I dug my nails into her so deep that I drew blood.

Meanwhile, until I was 11, my parents would teach me to not cry. They didn't want me to get bullied at school for crying. So my dad would hit me every time I cried and not stop until I stopped crying. It wasn't too bad, he never drew blood. But after, I would get locked in my room for hours. Literally locked. The lock on my door was backwards, so it could be locked from the outside. There is literally a hole in my door (it's hollow) where I pounded and screamed so much I broke it.

It eventually all died down when I stopped crying ever. My mom mostly stopped with rape after I outgrew my period of needing help with baths, and it stopped completely when I was 10.

I was put into therapy at 12 because I had extreme anxiety, like throwing up I got so anxious. I never really talked much to my therapist, or anyone for that matter. I got diagnosed with autism from my weird socializing and acting so unemotional, except with anxiety. I'm still not fully sure if I have it, I would love to say that I don't, it's just a weapon against me.

The first time I tried to open up to a therapist about everything that had happened was at 16. I started small, just telling her that my parents were emotionally neglectful. Which was true, they never cared about my emotions. When they weren't being abusive they ignored me and left me to my own devices. My therapist's response was to bring in my parents to try and work on them being less emotionally neglectful. I immediately protested but they wouldn't hear it. At this point, my therapist had been with me and my parents for a long time, and they regularly talked (and still do) with my parents.

In one session I was basically forced to confront my parents about the neglect (what my therapist thought was going on) and talk it through. I broke, snapped, and said that my parents have been physically abusive. I didn't dare mention sexually. My mom immediately sprung up with "Oh, she just has these delusions I'm a bad parent. I emailed you about it earlier." My therapist agreed, she believed my mom, my parents and therapists were always talking behind my back.

Since that day, I've totally shutdown to my therapist. I pretend everything is going fine, I say everything is okay.

It was two months after my mom called me delusional and my therapist agreed that I attempted suicide. I tried an overdose at night and just hoped I wouldn't wake up. I didn't really do my research on what medication to use and it just made me sick. Nobody really knew since it was just for a night. The day after I was going to jump off a bridge but hesitated too much and got stopped. I was taken into the mental hospital after that. My parents said they wished I would have just died because of the cost of the hospital. I told everyone that I attempted suicide out of academic stress. Really, it was to try to escape the abuse and trauma, but I was terrified to tell anyone that.

I attempted again 7 months later by slitting my wrists with scissors but it remained mostly superficial. While in the hospital I broke a bathroom mirror and tried to slit my wrists again with a fragment but I got caught very quickly. Again, I lied and said it was academic stress out of sheer fear.

I called CPS twice over the following summer, both times they didn't even show up. I cracked in a moment of weakness both times and called them. I still feel guilty for doing so.

That's basically everything. Sorry for writing so much, I just kinda poured my heart out. I tried to keep it as short as I could.

This brings to the present. Two and a half weeks ago I met this very nice lady for an intake to a government program that helps people with disabilities find jobs. Partway through the interview process she asked me "have you ever experienced abuse?" and I just broke down sobbing. I had gone through intakes before with this question and been able to coldly say no, I just snapped this time.

So I told her everything, and I have a bare minimum trust for her. She claims to believe me, but I don't know if she is sincere, I mean she could just abandon me, or tell my parents everything I told her. Because I've tried to pretend like I've accepted that I'm delusional, I've done my best to pretend in front of my parents that everything is okay.

But as part of this government program, apparently they have partners that can also help pay for housing and such, etc. Employment has been very difficult for me, I struggle with focus, emotions are chaotic and overwhelming, I fight with people constantly, I generally don't make a great employee. I try, I really try. So this government program will be useful for me I hope.

However this intake person isn't a therapist, and while they're willing to talk with me and listen, they wanted me to talk to a school counselor or somebody else.

I talked to a school counselor that I know pretty well a week ago. He was receptive. It was extremely hard to be open but I managed, risking it all. I felt like I had nothing to lose, I mean I'm constantly wishing I was dead, although I don't always act on it. He promised he wouldn't call CPS since I was 18, and especially since I had already did myself in the past.

The day after, he pulled me into his office with the lead school psychologist or whatever. The person in charge of counselors. They offered to help me with police involvment.

That's my qualm. The police can't prove any of the more severe abuse that happened to me long in the past so I don't see the point. Plus I have siblings.

Both my siblings are treated fine. My older brother is the golden child, he is showered in gifts and affection. My younger sister also gets treated okay, she isn't golden but they're so nice to her and caring. I don't know why they singled me out. I don't know what I did to deserve it.

I just don't want to hurt my siblings or my dad. I like my dad, he's nice to me. He apologized for what he did at least, and apologized on my mom's behalf. He's the only witness and he wouldn't ever testify against my mom, who's his wife. But he at least didn't try to gaslight me when confronted. So he's nice and I like him. To a degree I also worry about hurting my mom, I'm worried she'll feel confused. She thinks we have worked through our issues and that everything is fine, I don't want to confuse and upset her.

Personally, I plan on just silently leaving one day. Taking my essentials and running off to a place of my own. I don't really know. I just don't really know what to do. Like I don't know if I can hold off on suicide long enough to make it to a point where I can move out peacefully, I feel like maybe I might just need the police. I just don't know what they can even do and I don't want to tear my family apart.