(This is gonna get me alot of heat but needed...)

Let me start of describing my mother. She will do anything in the world to make sure Im a happy person, she will help me, fight for me, even die so that I can live on if it calls for it. She loves me alot but lately I haven't done the same for her....

I can't pinpoint exactly when it started but over a few months now I've started to resent her. Why am i resenting her, What she says to others doesn't line up with my beliefs/values of self and I get annoyed by the constant lecturing. She tells me that im a handsome young man but the acne scars and my general appearance of me doesn't convey that im handsome (Even Ladies would tell me I look nice but I often don't believe them, I don't hate women I'm just afraid to let them in). She has tried to get me to try different styles but I simply don't care as it wouldn't make a difference. She tries to call me smart for the longest time and I shut her down finally about that. I'm not smart, anyone can make good grades it's called STUDYING and knowing what to sacrifice to get the job done plus ive made not so smart decisions that (nothing bad just not wise) doesn't really earn being call "smart" I hate that term. Another thing is that I hate all of the compliments from her and her peers like okay im not that special it's made worse when everyone praises me like please stop embarrassing me! Last thing is confidence, she goes on and on how brave I am or I'm more brave then I think especially with work. Im not brave im doing it because this is my job and if I don't do it there will be issues.

Those are the main points, a few other points are that I barely want to speak to her, be around her, talk to her if I have issues or be happy with her. I wanted to wish that I wasn't treated like a proud mother of their child, I wanted to be idk a roommate or just there as stupid as that sounds. Well the boiling point was hit when I didn't tell her Happy Thanksgiving (Holidays has gotten mid for me as I got older) and I mistaken said I don't know how to care....it broke her heart. She exploded on me about this and said if you don't care then you should pack up and move out. I was upset spent about 2 hours outside of the house pondering and debating if I really care for her anymore? I haven't treated her well enough lately.....even when she came out and try to comfort me saying "if it's bothering you that you are not doing enough then you do care", I didn't want her to be around me I don't deserve her.

Now am I thinking about just avoiding her entirely till I feel like I worked hard enough to say I care for her.....I would like to have advice on this what could have I done better or what should I be doing rn

If you made it this far, thank you for reading