Yo,

So before I get into this, I want to give a bit of backstory for context.

I moved to Poland about 8 years ago and got my girlfriend at the time (now my fiance) pregnant after living together for only 6 months. Before this, I remember her telling me that she never wanted kids because her doctor told her when she was like 16-17 that she will never be able to have children because of some medical things she's been dealing with. Abstracting from the fact of her medical issues, before she got pregnant she also told me that even if she didn't have these issues, she doesn't want kids because she knows for sure she would be a shitty mom.

Well that doctor was wrong and it turns out she's actually a very good, caring, intense, loving mother that cares for her child.

Fast forward 6 years later, we have a healthy and happy 6 year old whom we love very much. Me and my SO are in a comfortable position financially, we have good jobs and both of us combined make around 400k a year. All the bills are paid, we go on vacations and small trips often, generally speaking, we live a pretty comfortable life.

Because we are in this position. I started thinking about another child. Growing up I did not have any siblings and my parents divorced when I was 10. I remember telling myself that "when I grow up, I want to have a minimum of 2 kids" my daughter even asked me one time if she's ever going to have a brother or sister and I started tearing up and told her that "you know, dad is an only child and it's really not that bad" dont get me wrong, she's not complaining about being an only child right now, she just wants to be an older sister. I also told her that I cannot promise her that she will have a sibling, but if it happens then it happens.

From that point on, I really want another child. When I see other people holding their babies in their hands, I just want to go back to that moment one more time. I know my daughter would be an amazing sister because she has great maternal instincts and we always pretend play "family" where she is the older sister and I am the dad and we have to take care of her fake "siblings" (for example her stuffed animals and toys :D)

As I am writing this, I can feel myself tearing up, because I dont know if I will be able to have another child with my fiance. I am 31 years old, my fiance is turning 33 this year and to be honest, it's either now or never. I feel like it's going to be never.

I dont really know how else to deal with this feeling of knowing that I wont have another child because my SO doesn't want to go back to those "diaper times" and that we're living good now, and she doesn't want to backtrack.

In a way, I sort of resent her for this, but again, I understand that it's her body, and if I was a women I wouldn't want someone to force me into getting pregnant when I dont want to.

It just sucks. Anyone have any advice on how to navigate my emotions? Please dont say go to therapy because I have been and it's not for me. So I want to see if there is any other like-minded people are someone that would just give me some advice.

Thanks for listening to my TED talk.