For starts, I’m 27M. I went out with a group of friends from high school to celebrate a birthday. I don’t see them very often so it was a nice but rare opportunity. We bar hopped a bit on a Sunday.

I had just gotten a shitty bike off Craigslist after the last one was stolen. And on my way to the second bar my bike broke. So I hauled it back home. Sweaty, I went to go change my shirt, only to find out everything wearable I have is in a wet laundry. So I went back out to the next bar in my teenaged years Metallica shirt.

At the next bar I had felt a sense of isolation between two in this friend group. It’s a long story to explain the dynamics of our group but tonight they were basically in love. They began to sort of self isolate themselves, then begginging a game of pool with 2 strangers leaving 3 of us standing behind. I didn’t think really that much of it but I did feel a little off beginning then.

The 3rd place was a bar arcade, the same 2 began talking to a group of 21 year old girls on their own. Then, they started playing games with them. I could have said hi or something, but I didn’t and think it was weird. Then I began to feel judgmental. Then I started making excuses like “I can’t talk to strangers in a Metallica shirt”

It was at that point I realized that the common denominator was me ( I guess and the three others, as well). I felt my body tense up and I felt nervous like I haven’t before. I began to mourn my early 20’s, pre-COVID during college, where I had been a much more social creature and had experienced regular romantic relationships. I was pretty reckless and irresponsible during that time, but I was social nonetheless.

Now I’m 27 with a more stable career path and more responsibilities that bring stress. I go out much less often than I used to. It’s been 5 straight years of failed first Hinge dates using the same pictures of me from my early 20s. I gained 20 pounds since then. I felt the urge to go join them to talk with strangers, but I felt really really off. I just couldn’t bring myself to do it, even though I remember my early 20’s from when I was more confident and able to do so.

I’m not only upset with myself but where my life has gone. I’m scared of crashing and burning in my own cycle of pity, because even though I have once a week therapy, I still haven’t figured out how to get out. I’m trying to change habits where I can but life just simply doesn’t feel the same to me anymore. I feel old and worn out.