Hello everyone,

I'm in stuck with my life issues and need a hope (but not lie) to force myself to move forward.

I'm in the marriage, and my mind tells me, I have to divorce. But my brain not let me do this, I can't make this step.

Reasons: I have too much common with my husband, he is usually pretty nice(I know, classical abusers are pretty nice too), and I believe, my value in the dating market is zero.Can you change my mind, that I'm wrong, and I'll not be forever alone?

What we have common: we're both transhumanists (it's nothing about transgenders, the word sounds similar, but means different thing), we're both work in technology sector, we're both immigrants in Canada.

What is problem: he became violent in 2022.

I'm trans woman in late 30s. I transitioned more than 15 years ago. Was in three relationships, and only second was healthy(well, my marriage was healthy until 2022).

I started hormones in 17, after year was by force detransioned by my parrents and put by force in the conversion therapy clinic (still have PTSD after awful things which happened with me there). After a year, I escaped from this conversion therapy clinic, and hided from my parents in the big city. Than transitioned again.Was about homeless, and my first boyfriend literally saved my life: rented apartment for us in 2007, and we lived together 4.5 years. For other people, we were healthy couple: we hided fact, that I'm trans (they think I'm just a girl) and hided fact, that my BF was alcohol addicted. And violent. I changed my legal gender, made bottom surgery, etc. And when he tried to kill me (just chased me with knife, I escaped in the toilet) we broke our relationships.

Second BF met me in the public transport, he was tourist in my city, and we started to chat with each other using skype, when he returned back, and after a week I made a coming out. Later I visited his city for every weekend, he bought me tickets to plane. We walked together, met with his friends, etc. We had one vacation together. But I was just one of dozens girls which he had before and after me. He dumped me, and started relationships with another girl, a natural one. In his last message he said me "never tell this sh*t about you anybody", means fact that I'm trans. Of cource, I told, because.. Felt I need to be honest.

​

And my husband. We're former colleagues, we worked in one team. First half of year he didn't know. When we become friends, and started to feel chemistry, I made a coming out. We're together since ~2015. His parents don't know I'm trans. And my mom-in-law is Christian, she don't like me, because we're both atheist, and she believes, I not let him be converted into her faith.Untill 2022 everything between us was perfect. But then his political views changed, he started to be more conservative, and he started to be violent. I not sure if it's classical abuse, because nothing like this happened before 2022. He used a knife against my arm in the Spring 2022 - I have a scar after it, and my own pepper spray against my face (thanks for glasses, not really harmed me), also he broke my rib a month ago. We called to emergency, because had an idea, that something happened with my heart, but it was only rib. Was very painful a week or so, I even used painkillers to be able to walk or to sleep. But now everything is OK.

Before 2022, we both was liberals. And we often speak about politics and agreed with each other. But now he still want to communicate with me about politics (despite we had agreement to never speak about it since spring 2022), and often become angry when I disagree, and can broke my things (he could do this, but not often, before 2022, he never was violent), or even be violent.I even hided him from my friends, and lost part of them, because I used makeup to hide bruise, and they start to ask me questions, and I worried if they report my husband to police. I know, isolation, it's what pretty common in the abuse case.

One of my friends asks a lot of question just now: we started our friendship as couples in 2020, and her husband typically ask why he doesn't see my husband anymore. I hate to lie, but I hide him, because they're liberals like me, and I worry what they think, if he starts to tell what he thinks about politics to them too. They also don't know that I'm trans. I bit sad when I have nobody in real life, to tell everything about me. It was not a problem, when my husband was not a violent.

Also, I feel, I need reason to live. Like to care about somebody. I really like to cook something for my husband, or to watch together some content with him, or discuss science topics, like we had very interesting conversation about super conductivity today (and a week ago he broke my computer monitor and punched me in the leg, and I couldn't move for a minutes).

If I divorce, I think, I'll be unhappy, because I'll have nobody to share my warm.And I think, in 2023 people usually hate trans people. I created an account in the dating site just to experiment(didn't had an intention to cheat my husband, just to had conversations), and find out, that men are furious to trans (I made coming out 5 men after conversation about my and their life issues). I don't know why people think, that I have to regret, detransition, or think, that I'm cheating somebody (In the past I made coming out before a first kiss). Probably they hate me for the fact, that I'm stealth trans even more than to fact that I'm trans (I basically don't wrote down this in the page, because not ready to be open for everybody who knows my name, and see my real photos).

So, my brain feels, that if I divorce, I'll be forever alone. And made me stay in this relationship, when my husband usually a nice person (like classical abusers!) to feel that I required for somebody. Also, I have a hope, that his political views will change. But I think, it's wrong hope. I have to move one, but I can't.