I’ve had countless failures in the past couple years, messed up relationships, and now I am completely lost. I have responsibilities to pay for things and live a normal life but I feel at any second I could have a mental breakdown and run away from it all. Although I don’t know what that would do except make things worse. I quit wrestling in hs, I took my football career of 9 years into college but quit that,I got my realtors license in Wisconsin but quit that, I tried to join the army but failed due to the size of my lungs, then I moved back home to AZ and tried very hard to find a job. Got one at a kitchen, hated it, quit. Got a job picking up apartment trash pickup , of course I hated it cuz it was trash-y, I had to walk 50 flights of stairs and pick up people’s disgusting stuff. Did it for three weeks then quit right as I got a new job. Been at this job for 2 months. The newest one is Sales and security in the airport. I work for a company called clear which has this service that they open up a separate line from general or tsa pre check, when people go down that lane we sign them in then walk them to the front of their appropriate line. I hate the airport environment and I hate how the floor at the phx airport sits at and angle and feels terrible to stand on. I also hate that I have to dance around the truth or blatantly lie to get a lot of sales. Very few people can truthfully sell some product, especially if they don’t look like a super model. Which makes me think about my health. I have pains in my body like a 80 year old man but I’m only 19. I do my physical therapy and do hot yoga with my mother 2x a month. Its our little thing we just started so that should be good for my health. I used to live to work out when I was training to play NCAA Football but now I don’t go near a gym. Still my brain tells me I’m not good enough and I instead work out at home in the living room but only when no one is home. I hate it all. I have no friends within 25 miles of me. I have no family to hang out with. All I have is some friends on my games but I always feel like a loser when I play video games. Even if I only play for 2 hours a week( but sometimes it is more like 20 hours a week lol). I also feel that isn’t healthy. I try to eat healthy and feel like I generally eat well. I’m 6’4 215 or so and don’t feel extremely fat but also don’t feel skinny. More of a skinny fat with lack of muscle. I lack confidence, a sense of belonging, passion, or motivation. I’m on some shitty dating apps and girls will text me but I feel like I’m so insignificant why even bother. I don’t know what to do and I don’t know where to go. I wish I could run away and be with nature and eat real food and work out all day with my friends but of course how can I make money doing that and I barely have 5k to my name and I’m expected to pay 10k by the end of the year for rent and all these things. I don’t even know what I’m saying anymore. Oh and above it all I hate where I am. I’m in Scottsdale Arizona. The capitol of douchebaggery and old people. It’s like parts of Florida but dry and in a damn dessert. I want to be with trees and fresh air and water and I want to work in a environment that supports me , I want to help people, I want friends, I wanna look great. I don’t know. Any ideas?