i’ve been feeling so disgusting the last few days. my arms are super scarred up with cuts, but also i’ve been picking at my skin so there’s this large scab across my arm. i want to be loved and i want to know i deserve love and that i am desirable. but i feel dirty. if someone touched me i’d get scared. but i want the closeness, but i don’t want to be tainted. i’ve been talking to an older man online and he makes me feel good. i feel pretty and warm. but i feel dirty, i feel dirty for doing what i do. i feel dirty and shameful. i keep relapsing and going into despair over how i’m not “clean”. how i am not like other people. i can’t stop picking at my scabs in an attempt to be clean just to feel dirty again. i’m so tired.