I feel like I'm 12 again. I'm 25. I've been SH free for 4 years, and basically stopped for 7 years. It's like the first time. Sobbing and numb and stressed and disassociated for months and months, then mesmerized with the act, maximum feeling then none. I'm so upset. I've done everything to recover since I started as a child and almost took it too far repeatedly. I did all the therapy, groups, classes, hospitalizations, self work & research, electroshock, 20 types of meds. I sacrificed my self identity, my memories, my chemistry, my physiology, my wants, my abilities, my everything. I thought I'd come so far. I accepted irreparable side effects damage and I'm not as better as I thought I was. It feels like i traded myself for nothing.