i’m trying to do self help and improve as a person. i try to eat healther and get all my food groups in. but i still feel stupid. i try to indulge in hobbies like reading or making music. it’s strange because i do enjoy these things. i’m interested in the things i read or the films i watch. i like playing games, it’s not like i’m pretending to like it. but when i finish reading or playing a game i always think it’s stupid. i feel weird afterwards, that it’s not getting me anywhere. i don’t dislike doing these things, but i dislike the feeling i get doing them. it’s odd because i don’t feel that way when i cut. i cut and i don’t feel a lick of guilt. i look down at my scars and i don’t exactly feel proud, but i’m not ashamed. it helps me understand that something is wrong.

i used to do art, i used to write, i gotten awards for them when i was in school and had internships but i’ve given up on that now. it all feels stupid. i’m not who i used to be but i don’t remember who i used to be. even when i was younger i wasn’t sure what i was doing with myself. i feel like i just lunged myself forward everyday. i dress up nice and i’ll think i look cute for a moment but it doesn’t feel right. i feel ridiculous, like this isn’t who i’m supposed to be. but i’m not sure who i’m supposed to be. one moment i’m alright, and then suddenly i’m not. and then i get over myself for a bit. then i’m in dramatics again.

it’s hard doing anything at work. i’ll be in a decent mood but i’ll see something sharp and wonder how i could make hurting myself look like an accident to the work cameras. i haven’t cut in nearly a month now. but it’s not a conscious choice for recovery. i’ve just been busy. and the scar i left on my arm is still bright and pink/brown, it keeps me grounded. sometimes i want to get better but sometimes i feel too comfortable to recover. i’ve been like this since i was young. i can’t wait until the nurse reaches out to me to schedule an appointment w the psychiatrist for mood stabilizers, i’m impatient.