(only could use one flair but this is probably triggering as well!!!)

these past few months i’ve realized i’m not sure if i even want to recover anymore. i like cutting and i like hurting myself. i don’t know why. i know i should stop but i don’t mind the idea of my arm being covered in scars. my arm itches to just be torn open it drives me crazy sometimes. my doctor told me she wants to try and put me on a mood stabilizer but i would have to wait 1-2 weeks to schedule an appointment with a psychiatrist before i could get them. i felt so damn hopeless even though it’s not a long time. i don’t think i want to get better because i’ve become comfortable being like this and that’s scary. i don’t feel miserable but i know i am. i’m 19 and gonna start my first year of community college, i’ve been trying to get more hobbies like making music and reading or watching movies. but i still feel like such a hollow person. i feel like i’m pretending to be someone, i’m not sure who though. the future makes me nervous too. i work 5 times a week usually 7-10 hours at a retail job, it keeps me busy. but i wish i could be someone else, i still don’t know who though. i don’t know. i think i’m always on edge, always nervous, always upset and mad about something. but i feel like i’ve gotten used to it i don’t really wanna get better anymore. or i suppose i just don’t feel like it. i’ve been starving too. i don’t know why. i know i’m going to work long shifts but i don’t bring food. i just take my lunch break and read the whole time. i fast on water and eat when i get home. i don’t really have any issues with my body image, but it just feels right to do. i don’t know. i’m going to eat dinner.