Looooong story short, about three years ago my alcoholic dad blew up at me out of nowhere during a visit to my home and told me he didn't want a relationship with me anymore. I didn't hear from him for about a year and then he wrote me a short letter just kind of "filling me in" on family events like nothing had even happened. I am so tired of this dynamic, which has been around my whole life -- my dad could always yell at me, destroy my self-esteem, hit me, and do other fucked up, emotionally abusive shit, with no accountability or consequences. My mom would just smooth things over, talk me into "forgiving" my dad, and go back into her cloud of denial. After a lot of processing in therapy, I decided to just ignore my dad's letter and stick with the no-contact that HE had initiated. Over the past year, he has sent me two more similar letters and when I have occasional contact with my mom she has started bugging me to "let it go" and "forgive." I've set boundaries with her about that kind of request, which she ignores, so I basically ignore her requests in return.

I live 3,000 miles from my parents, but my best friend since childhood lives in a town just a couple of hours away from them. I just made plans to go see her and her new baby, and I'm not telling my parents or anyone else in my family that I'm going to be there. They would expect me to devote my entire visit to them, even though my parents would do literally nothing to make me feel welcome or comfortable while I was there. I was feeling pretty OK with that decision and my boundaries, and then I got a letter from my mom complaining that she is in bad health, afraid she will die without ever seeing me again, how sad that is for her, etc. She is in bad health because she refuses to care for herself, just sits in a chair and drinks all day. I don't visit her because she lives with the man who abused me all of my childhood. But she can only see herself as the victim of it all.

It is true that she might die without ever seeing me again, and that is really sad. But using this to guilt-trip me just feels so cruel and kind of childish. I've done everything I can do to make a reconciliation with her. Last fall I flew her at my expense to join me while I visited some of our other extended family. I did that because I wanted us to be able to have some time together, in case it was the last. I pushed myself to be patient and kind with her during the visit, even though she spent the entire time complaining about her own circumstances, pushing me to re-engage with my father, minimizing my trauma, and making herself as emotionally and physically dependent on me as possible. For her to pull this bullshit now about "we might not see each other again boo hoo" not only denies all the reasons that this is true, but completely ignores the efforts I keep making to connect with her.

I wish I wanted to see my mom. I wish I wanted to have a closer connection with any of my nuclear family. But I don't, and it's not because of me. It's because of them. I'm sticking with the plan of visiting my friend and not telling my family. Yeah, it is sad. But it's also the way it is, and I've done all I can.