Dear X,

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You are my brother. We have a relationship, as siblings. Relationships take work and mutual respect. I have an interest in mending our relationship.

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Our last interaction has made it clear that you have strong feelings about me that you do have not felt comfortable sharing with me in a calm, respectful conversation. I would like to propose we try written communication. It can be done in our own time, when calm, and across distances. It would be a shame if we let our whole lives go by and never have an authentic, honest, healthy relationship.

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I would like to know the reasons you feel I am selfish and self-centered.

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You stated that I made your wedding about me because I cried.

You stated that I complained about myself on the ride home on Sat, Nov 7.

You said I always only talk about myself.

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I hope you will write back to me and say more about your feelings on these matters.

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I would also ask that you state your needs as you have them, because I cannot read your mind. If we are having a conversation and you feel I am only talking about myself, you could say, “Fellowtravelr, I am sorry you are having a hard time. I am also struggling with something I would like to talk about” and I will shift my attention to listening.

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I talk to you about myself and my problems because you are my brother and I wanted emotional support. I do not see it as selfish to ask for emotional support in a relationship.

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I do not see truth in your statement, but I do acknowledge that we have different perceptions of one-another and of reality.

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Here are the reasons I do not believe I am more selfish or self-centered than the average person:

• I stayed in Massachusetts for the past seven months partly because you specifically asked me to try living here, so that I can be involved in your family, and help you with childcare. I applied to 25 jobs in MA to try to do this.

• I paid a very fair rent to you and your wife and did my best to be helpful around the house.

• I rented a room in walking distance to you and your wife to try to facilitate continued in-person visiting.

• When we visit, I ask about you and your wife, your work, I try to be supportive and helpful.

• I have given our mother financial support, including recently $1,000 to alleviate her financial pressure and protect her from injuring herself further by working over the winter.

• I am planning to bring our mother home from surgery and make sure she has what she needs for her recovery.

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I am planning to leave this winter to return to the state I lived in for the last 10 years, and unless our relationship improves significantly, I do not anticipate moving back.

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When I moved out, I asked to do a weekly dinner with you and your wife. You agreed, and yet it did not happen. I tried to reach out to you to spend one-on-one time together, and you told me you didn’t like the scheduled approach. You even declined my help with packing – a task no one likes to do and is easy to delegate to someone. So, my only rational conclusion is that you do not enjoy spending time with me.

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It is important to me to spend my life and time with people who want me around, who root for me to succeed, who are emotionally supportive, who value me, my skills, and my support. Most of the time, I do not feel that way around you and Allie. It feels to me like it is a chore for you to see me.

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There are people in the world who want to spend time with me, who are interested in me, and supportive of me. These people live out of state.

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On Wednesday, I asked for your help because I was triggered by our mother after she yelled at me in the car. I felt unsafe. You then proceeded to also yell at me, in the car, on the way home because I was looking to you for emotional support. For this you called me selfish.

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I know you have a lot going on in your life. I am glad for you that you found someone special, and that you are going to be a Dad. I am glad you bought your first house. I am proud of you. I am also jealous at times. I am human. I can have more than one feeling at a time. However, over the last 7 months I have reached out to you for help, for connection, and felt shot down over and over.

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Someday your kids will be grown and off to college. What kind of relationship will we have? Or will I have with them? What will we say to them about why we don’t talk, why we are not close? I don’t want to say it’s because we didn’t try.

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I don't want to have visits where we pretend everything is fine. I don't want to spend holidays with someone who views me as selfish but isn't willing to give me feedback in a kind, respectful way, instead holding it in for months or maybe years until exploding on me. And I definitely don't want to live in a state that is fucking COLD to be closer to someone like that. So I am going back.