I have a bad memory and don't tend to notice patterns but I think i'm starting to notice that after I spend time with my Dad, I feel worse - maybe it's that i haven't recognized i feel worse in the past or connected it with his visits but I tend to overconsume afterwards, like nothing will make me happy and it takes me a day or two to recover after a visit.

Other than his constant drinking and dirty house, I mostly enjoy the time there. We typically play card games, eat food, watch TV and bullshit - it's a nice break from regular life.

I don't understand why I feel worse though. I'm not sad I left. Am subconsciously mirroring his emotions? Is this something left over from childhood?

Growing up, I'd visit him on most weekends. There were no chores, no requirements. He basically let us stare at the TV for days while consuming unhealthy amounts of unhealthy foods. Leaving his house as a kid meant going back to the real world, where you have to actually do things and not eat junk food all day. I have noticed in the summer time I tend not to do much, almost like I have Seasonal Affective Disorder but instead of it happening in Winter, it happens in Summer because i grew up learning that summertime means not doing anything. I spent a lot of time at his house in the summer and attribute it to this. I was, in a way, taught to be non-productive in the summer and now as an adult struggle to be productive in the summer.

Now he's basically waiting for death to knock on his door. My brother told me he said he might not have many more years. Last time I visited, he asked me to look in to life insurance for him because "you may as well make some money..." I almost joked this time that the next present i get him will be a coffin and have it set up in his living room. He's just given up on life. He stopped working 3 years ago and just sits at home hitting the bottle. Outside of my brother and I, the only other person he visits with is his sister. He doesn't keep in touch with any of his friends. It's just so sad to watch the way he lives.

I likely won't visit him again for another 4 or 5 months. I should find a way to remind myself to think about the way I feel afterwards and compare it with this visit.