Throwaway account because I dont want my wife to know how bad my kink or desire in my brain is.

I (m30) recently discovered my fetish towards abf/lactation after my wife(f30) had our 2nd child. First time i was intrigued. 2nd time, I wanted to try her milk from the tap. She never let me, calling me weird or gross. I backed off and gave her space. Ever since she weaned its like feeling like I missed out greatly. Call me gross or whatever idk.

I dont know whats been going on with me since then, but now this lactation fetish turned to a nursing one, i guess theres a difference between the two right? But i have this crazy longing, where every night, i just want to be able to cuddle and hold my wife while i suck on her breasts. Its not even a complete sexual need. i just want to do it. I daydream of falling asleep on her breasts while she sleeps too. Its so bad that i have those butterfly nervous feelings wondering if "will i get to tonight?", but 99.99% of the time. nothing happens and i go to sleep every night feeling slightly lonelier and disappointed.

I confessed to her before about being attracted to (milking breasts) lately and she asked me to show her what kind of porn i watched. She was nice about the whole thing and said its normal for guys to like boobs. But i counter, maybe not to the extent i want. Guys like doing everything to boobs during sex but what i want is more intimate and maybe more taboo and degrading.

I mentioned to her that i just want to suck on her breasts, i just dont think she understands what im asking is not a sexual thing or at least in my mind not a preface to sex although it could. I dont think she understands just how intimate of a "session(s)" im really asking for.

She said to give her time since its barely a year postpartum. A lot less since "drying up". The wait and desire has taking over my thoughts. Everytime im with my wife i cants stop thinking about her.

I know she hated the pain and struggle that came with breastfeeding. The sore nipples, pain, tenderness. Ive sucked her nipples before with a something a little more pressure than a kiss and she tells me "too much". She always wants her space when getting ready for sleep so night time activities are rare. So rare i dont initiate anything anymore because im always rejected.

Idk. Not sure if im looking for advice or anyone to relate. Maybe an outlet. Im hoping to get over it or through it because im tired of having this empty feeling. Maybe i need someone to tell me im being stupid or just give up because i can't quite convince myself. Im still hopeful despite the odds.