It's so frustrating. I had planned to be up with my parnter early this morning (who is in a different timezone right now). When I woke up I was just so tired I could tell I wouldn't be able to function well and I thought for once I could fall back asleep - which I did. However, they had planned their whole day around spending that little bit of time with me. When I was awake they expressed their frustration about planning and me going back on that to sleep more, in a kind way too, not an overly upset one. It's completely understandable, I think from both sides too, and all she's asking is that if I think I'm going to be too tired to get up in the morning to tell her that the night before so she doesn't plan around it. I do need to have a routine that she can rely on. Objectively fine.

But internally I'm now a rolling mess of a person that just feels like the shittiest possible partner in the world and I can't see why people would bother putting up with me and my inconsistent mess of a life. Which isn't even that messy. I had 3 dishes in the sink and that just felt like another blow of being awful.

It's not a cry for attention, I don't want people to make me feel better. I just want to vent and say that the emotional disregulation is terrible. It's a fucking beast and it's not even linked to one particular thought I can just say "well that's not true" at. It's just a feeling, and that's worse.

I start adderall this afternoon because I missed the window this morning to take it. I'm so hoping that this helps with that because I'm just tired of it. Has it been helpful to anyone else?

TL;DR Emotional disregulation is just a terrible, unrelenting thing. Does adderall help with that? I start today.