Where to start

I’ve found myself here as I’m not really sure where I’m going with this, or why all of a sudden has something went off in my brain.

I’m a 44 year old man, I work in a management position and recently I saw someone talking about ADHD and how they feel it’s something they have. I was aware when growing up of ADHD but I always thought it was energetic school kids only. I was reading up about it and it was like a gong going off in my head and I really don’t know how or what to do.

Ever since I was 14-16, I’ve been known to be impulsive, even reckless and not afraid to take risks. I was a “good” pupil at school, although no one knew I could never find the discipline to study…I literally winged everything, last minute cram sessions, writing essays all night. I could just never get motivation until the absolute last moment. This still happens to this day. I never fail to meet a deadline, but I can just never bring myself to do anything until the last minute. I perform ok at work but organisation and time management are major problems for me. I really try each week to plan but I can’t sustain it and just slip back to my old ways.

These days, I’m known as being the life and soul, but I often drink too much by myself, as it stops me thinking. I’ve been treated for depression 3 times in my life, and each time I know I’ll go back in, just when not if.

I’m impulsive with my finances and go through booms and busts where I end up heavily in debt. I’m at my worst now as the combination of increased drinking and my reckless impulsiveness means I’m now £24000 in debt. I can’t even imagine or are why that’s happened and I’m horrified at myself. I just feel ashamed and not scared of the debt.

I pick up and drop hobbies, almost as a matter of routine…golf, guitar, gaming, model building. You name it, but nothing ever sticks and I can’t understand why this is.

I forget things, I can literally pick something up, and a minute later I’m lost. My partner laughs and makes a joke on it, about how forgetful I am, but I can’t understand how this happens but I might remember some stupid event from years ago.

I could go on and on, but I worry now I’m just trying to prove I have a label to explain these things. I started reading about ADHD on Friday, and since then I’ve felt down and withdrawn and can’t sleep. I’ve usually slept 4-6 hours a night since I was 14, but my brain has wanted to read more and more and I’ve had 2 hours sleep for the last 3 nights. Right now I feel tearful. I don’t know how to say to anyone what’s on my mind, I’m embarrassed to talk to my partner and we are financially secure but I’m so annoyed I let her down by running up debt. She helped me once before with a far smaller amount so I feel I let her down. I just couldn’t stop myself.

I have no idea why I’ve posted here. I suppose getting it out on here at least is a release. I just don’t feel I know myself. Is my personality not me, but always been ADHD tinged? Does anyone have any experience with discovering this as an adult in the Uk? I live in London and getting a GP appointment is next to impossible. Can anyone recommend something, ANYTHING, that I can grasp on to?

Edit-repost as I somehow made this a live chat. Sorry not good with this app.