This probably isn't the right place to post it, but r/adoptiveparents is mostly filled with people who have already adopted, and isn't very active. My husband and I are hopeful adoptive parents. We have done our research, read books, taken classes, learned, grown, changed our perspective. Talked to friends who are adoptees and birth parents, learned and grew some more. Found an agency we trust to do justly give ALL options and support to expectant parents considering adoption. We experienced a failed adoption where the parents changed their mind after the birth of the babies, it was hard, but we're proud of them for making that decision as we would never want them to regret placing their children. We are happy that they felt supported enough by us and our agency to change their mind. (reaffirms that we picked a supportive agency who supported their right to parent). Now we have been hoping for a match for over 4 months since that adoption failed. (and more before that)

I know that out of the adoption triad, adoptive parents' perspectives are the least important. Adoptees and birth parents have so much more loss, and as adoptive parents our job is to help our children navigate that loss, feeling loved and supported. I want to be able to do that so much. Trying to get there is so hard. Our agency hasn't had any matches this year as covid has impacted it a lot. Hubby and I decided we would be open to self matching, and since attempting that I've been reached out to by adoption scammers at least 20 times. Most of them want money and I'm able to brush it off. The thing I don't get are the catfish who don't even want money. Just emotional torment.

I want to provide a home for a child who's birth family trusted me to raise them. I want my child to feel like adoption was just a way to have more people to love them. I'd love an open adoption where the birth family is still in their lives regularly, heck come to Thanksgiving, and soccer games, and birthday parties! And if the birth family wants a closed adoption, I want my child to still know how that decision was made out of love for them by their birth family. I know things aren't rosy. I know adoption isn't pretty, or beautiful, and it certainly isn't painless. I know my kid will end up wishing they weren't adopted at some point, and I want to love them through all of it. I want to be the rock my child will need, not because "I saved them," just because everyone deserves a freakin' rock, and being an adoptee is hard. I want to be an adoptive mom so badly. Waiting to get there is harder than I ever imagined and my desire to be a mom is becoming so strong that I'm considering having biological children. Our state doesn't allow you to both pursue adoption while simultaneously growing your family biologically even if it is your choice. Sometimes I feel stuck between my desire to be a mom, and my hope of being an adoptive mom. In an ideal world I would never have biological children. (Not because I wouldn't love them, pregnancy is just something I have no desire to experience.) In a perfect world we would adopt an infant, then grow our family through fostering after should a foster child have their parental rights of their parents terminated, and if that doesn't happen then I hope we can just be darn good foster parents while that child needed a safe place to stay. Life isn't ideal I know, and this is selfish, but I wish the wait wasn't so hard.

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Edit: For those who may be upset by the term "failed adoption." I appologize. It is the only term I was given for when an expectant parent is planning to place a child for adoption, matches, stays matched past delivery, and decides to parent after the child is born. By using the term I did not mean I wanted the children to be separated from their parents. It literally is what my agency told me to call it. I can only do what I know, and be open to growing and learning more. I don't know a different term for that situation, and I'm still learning, like we all are. If there is a different term for that which I should be using please let me know. (...kindly, I'm human too guys.)