So, Ive posted here a few times. First, I'm gonna state, I am a Christian, but, I'm not a chirch Christian and quite franly me and religious church bs dont get alone well.

I am an adoptee and I was abused/neglected by the people who were SUPPOSED to take care of me, both my bios and my adoptive family, so, twice. I had a son, and fled alone while it was all being covered up.

We got an apartment, but I was BROKEN. Totally broken, alone, with a baby, not a clue how to take care of a baby, too broken to take care of myself, and NO ONE saw, cared, asked, tried to help, or offered a help resource. So, I sat alone with it, with my son.

If anyone was shot by 100 people in the chest, with their kid standing on the sidewalk, NO ONE would ask that guy why he didnt get up and pick his kid up, and no one would stnad there yelling at him to JUST GET OVER being shot in the chest 100 times.

When the damage is not physical, well, everybody can not see, not their problem, walk away, blame the guy, say its not their problem, pretend not to notice, or go home and drink a beer.

That is what happened to me and my baby. I was not a great mom, I couldnt get up. Didnt know how to, and no one ever stopped to even try to tell me how. That wasnt my sons fault.

CPS was called, they told me "you need to do x y z", like a 911 responder driving up and telling ginshot guy hey man you need a hospital, well NO SHIT.

I knew I wasnt best for my kid like that. A CPS worker told me, sogn off or he could go to the people who hurt you like that OR you and him end up on the streets OR one of you do. Still, I strugfled with the decision, prayed endlessly in pain, and I KNOW God told me what I had to do, and I knew too.

I burried this. I burried the anger that my BIOS and my APs failed me SO BADLY that it cost me my son, and my son his mother. I have NOT confronted them with this to this day. I burried the pain of his loss, tried to bury his memory but couldn't.

I left, found my bios, went homeless for 6 years, and God and I did NOT have a picknic dealing with this stuff at all.

I felt like He promised me to watch over my son. I felt like He promised we didnt have to "go there" till it was time. I lived with it, till now.

2 days ago, I filed for my son to have the release of information. And, well, like He said, when its time, well, its time to deal with it.

Tonight, Im reading the reddits. The birthparents reddit, the adopted, adoption, and adoptees reddit, and I even posted in the CPS reddit telling them, look, take it seriously. Traumatized kids are coming through your system, traumatized parents are coming through your system, scared APs, you guys having to see or deal w the stuff, you GOTTA see ALL the pieces. You have the most sacred, important job on this earth, dealing with all those scars, and frankly, youre untrained, unprepared, and you suck at it. Some are better than others, but the system as a whole SUCKS at it, so, get better. Listen to the adoptees, the fosters, the bios, the APs, and listen to them ALL so you gave the WHOLE PICTURE of what you're dealing with.

Came in, sat by my husband, and God says, it wasn't your fault. 2 families failed you, your neighbors never said hi or are you ok, no friends checked, CPS pretty much drove up as a responder and told a shot guy he needs to go to the hospital instead of maybe dealing with the gunshot and driving you, or even going hey its on 5th street. 1000 people failed because it was EASIER to fail than make it their problem for real. Its like 100 guys shooting each other while they all pulled out their phones and recorded guys shooting and getting shit and posting it on TicToc, from the birds eye perspective.

For the FIRST TIME, I let myself get ANGRY, I let myself recognize that we got screwed and actually process the anger.

A lot of times, the people arou d us do whats easier, and we do whats easier, "dealing wirh it" without dealing with it, putting a bandaid on a bullet hole instead of digging in and removing the bullet. But, of we DONT dig in and remove the bullet, cover it with some tape, smile, ignore, are ignored, well, everyone knows what would happen if we did that to a gunshot.

So, I guess, this is what we have to admit and deal with first. Yeah it sucns cleaning the mess made by the guy that shot us, but, we gotta do the work, because it is hos mess, but its ours too.

I get this is "part of that healing". Processing the anger, etc, I think alot of us know, after all, we all have been through SOME form of it.

I dont know how to make it better for me, or for HIM. Bit what I DONT want, is to be another person who says walk ot off or kts just a scratch or helps him stuff it under a bandaid and smile or take the easy way that wont ACTUALLY help anything for REAL. Loving him means doing the real work, and loving him means best for him and helping him through the real work instead of helping him smile, walk it off and post a tictoc video.

Yeah, I use alot of metaphors, its how I know how to say it.

My hisband said, "I know you want to deal w stuff but doing it at 3 am" and I realized, THATS part of the problem, I did that then, and everybody enabled me to "but this other thing" or "later" or "walk it off".

So, we all gotta choose. Do the hard real work, with all its gore, even though it hirts to stick your fingers in a bullet hole, OR do the easy work and walk around with a fake healed, infected, septic bullet in our chest covered by a lie, a smile, our easier comfort, and the easier comfort of the people around us.

I'm dealing. I HOPE that though this is a HARD TRUTH, it helps people "deal for real".

For me, Im healing from both, my parents failed me, which was a direct cause of my brokenness, which was a direct cause of me ending up a broken bio with an adoptee son. But, one thing God said, THEM DOING WHAT THEY DID caused that, STOP TAKING THE BLAME.

Question: SHOULD I call my bios and my APs, spell this out, and CONFRONT IT, whether they like it or not, because part of me wants to. Like, YOU fucked up, which put me in THEM fucking up, which broke me so that I fucked it up for my kid, frankly, you to fucked me and my kid. THAT is what you NEVER admitted or said sorry for or even REALIZED. That is why we dont, and CANT have a relationship.

Maybe it wont do any good. Maybe they wit care or hate me for it. But friggin BURRYING THAT doesnt feel like its doing any good!