Morning all. Hope this is the place for me, if not please send me in the right direction. For the purposes of this post, if I say parents, I mean my adopted parents.

I was adopted at birth, almost 40 years ago. Long story as short as possible it was a good situation for me, I've met my birth parents but no longer really have a relationship with them, and that was their choice.

My adopted parents are christian, at the choice of my birth parents - I was put into christian adoption. My dad is a retired preacher in fact. Childhood was good but I'm learning now was filled with trauma - both around religion and how I was raised. Spanking, punishment, etc. Some of which we've discussed, some we haven't.

I deconstructed from religion about 5 years ago and I've been in therapy for a few years and got out of a bad relationship and into a good one which has really opened my eyes to how I'm treated. They 'know' I don't believe anymore but until they ask me point blank they can do the whole 'ignorance is bliss' thing and just pretend. I've already made up my mind that if they ask me if I believe anymore, I'm telling them the truth.

I feel so out of place in my adopted family. I always have. My sister is also adopted and we are not from the same birth family. But she seems to get along fine with them. She's also deconstructed and we're talking through things but I just can't accept the type of relationship she has with them.

I'm at the point where I'm going to start establishing boundaries with my parents but I see the end game. I see that it likely means I don't have a relationship with them at all. There's so much to unpack there - they wanted a boy from the start and got my sister. They had my name picked out and everything, they didn't expect a girl and weren't ready for her. They waited for 3 years and through 12 straight girls when they got to the top of the adoption list. I've literally been told I was given to them by God and their only purpose in life is to make sure I get to heaven. They wanted kids so badly and couldn't have their own - and now my sister and I haven't given them grandkids, which they also badly wanted.

They work for a christian organization and do disaster relief. They spent 6 weeks in Aug/Sep in my area working at a local place of need. There were so many times we set plans and they changed them and I was inconvenienced at a minimum. I was out of town for 2 straight weeks for work and flew home at 2pm one day and because it was their 'last night in town' they wanted to do dinner. No one wanted to make reservations so I had to do that and I had to immediately turn around from flying in and go to dinner with no down time. No time with my new fiancee. On top of that, they were supposed to come over at 4pm so we can go to dinner together and they can leave from here but I get a text that morning as I'm boarding the plane that they need to get tires for their camper and the only place in a giant city that has them is by my house so they need to show up hours earlier (when my fiancee is picking me up from the airport) and, at a minimum, drop off my mom and dogs so my dad can go take care of things. I wasn't asked, I was told and I couldn't have set a boundary and told them no if I wanted - he immediately asked for a code on my digital lock so I couldn't even lie and say we won't be home. And I knew saying 'no' would just cause more problems that I couldn't deal with because I was literally walking onto a plane and about to be out of contact for hours.

I brought all this up with my sister- how rude it was for them to have dinner without letting me relax, coming over early and not giving me a chance to say no, other issues over the 6 weeks. We're in complete disagreement. Mom and dad are upset they didn't get more time with me and I spent as much time as I wanted with them, maybe more.

That's another point - no one seems excited for our wedding. It's so bad we're considering eloping. I get that I'm almost 40 and this is my second wedding but this is the first time I've felt love and so many other feelings.

I'm ranting and kind of all over the place here - I guess I'm looking for resources. My therapist suggested I find communities for people like me and since reddit has been good for my traumatic marriage, parents, and deconstruction I come here first. I hate the implications of what I'm about to possibly do that'll ruin my relationship with my parents but what I hate more is that it doesn't really bother me.