I love my sons, all of them, the same.

I was a 19 year old adoptee who was being sexually assaulted daily by my adoptive father. When my son was a few months old, he assaulted me, I had a very bad reaction, prayed to doe, my son was in his crib in my room crying for food wet diaper cold and I couldn't get up. I was so broken in that moment I couldn't go to him. Thats when I knew, I had to do something. He couldn't stay in this, I had, but he COULD NOT. I told my adoptive mom. Sne blamed me, she went to bed and slept day and night in total depression, literally dissociating from life and the situation, she left without walking out the door, when she WAS up she blamed, yelled, looked at my son in disgust and walked away of he reached for grandma, my adoptive dad of course denied, stuck to his guns I was a crazy liar and he was innocent I guess that was easier to believe for her, she covered it up, prevented a police report, threatened me if I told ANYONE, and when she felt like I might not comply, she told me to take my son and get out.

I had 2 duffel bags of our stuff, a car seat, a diaper bag, some formula, a pack and play, and $0.80 when I left her driveway. I called my bf at the time, told him everything, and him and his dad and step mom drove down, picked us up, and we never looked back. They helped me get on welfare, cash assistance, food stamps, medicaid, and a subsidized apartment. It took 6 months for a apartment to open up, and a local church paid the deposit. No car, drivers license, my parents made me leave school when I had the baby, refusing to let me get a sitter to attend or watch him, so, no diploma either.

The boyfriend moved in. About 6 to 8 months later, he left, and I found out he had driven us into no phone, heat, electric, rent, eviction, and taken all of the cash with him. We were weeks away from being homeless in Michigan winter with no money and big debt. Obviously, as an adoptee myself, and what my APs were, NO family. I didnt know my bios, and my APs were the people who had abused and then abandoned us, so, there was NO ONE to call.

CPS got involved, and knowing I was a week from homeless, no family to call, nowhere to ggo, dead broke in winter, they removed my son. I did everything I could. One day, they said IF something happened to me, I got hit by a car or ANYTHING, they could not find the babys dad, and since there was no police report filed, my son would be placed back with my adoptive parents, without me, alone.

Obviously, I went ballistic. I thought about killing them, to make SURE, even if I lost him, they would never be an option. I knew, if I did that, well, I will lose him, AND I cant help him from prison. So, cant do that. No one to call. Nowhere to go. They convinced me that if I signed off my rights, which had not been terminated, since I was no longer his legal mother, they would NOT be his legal grandparents, and removing MY rights would also destroy theirs. From what I had been told, these were the facts, and no matter how it felt, there was only one choice. As his mother, I had to protect him, and there was only one way. I signed off. I thought of signing my rights to someone I knew, called everyone, no one would do it. I didnt realize or know I could pick an adoptive home, this option was not given. I didnt know there were shelters that would take a mom AND her baby, and so I could keep fighting. I learned that only WEEKS after I signed off, lost the apartment like I knew I was going to, and ended up in one. But, I was too late, the papers were signed.

I NEVER didnt want him. I never stopped loving him. I never chose this. BAD choices are not a choice. Give him to my APs was not a choice. A baby on the winter streets was not a choice. It was not voluntary. Metaphorically, the room was on fire and I passed my baby to a stranger out the window so he didnt burn, and burned.

I lost the appartment. My biological grandma, whom my adoptive parents had put me in contact with years before, called me, and told me that her daughter, my bio mom, wanted to contact me. I explained my situation. My grandma told my bio mom, but also warned me she was married to a wife beating drunk, and had lost 6 kids after me, all to wife beating drunks or wife beating drunk pedophiles. My bio mom called me, and offered for me to come to Alabama, to meet her, reconnect, and help get on my feet. I told HER Ibwould come down, and if she wanted help getting out of her situation with her drunk beating husband, Ibwould do wjat Ibcould. She said ok. I took a Greyhound to Alabama. Showed up, and at the bus stop, there were 2 vagabonds stranded, one guy needed to go to DHS to turn in hisbfood stamp paperwork or lose his food. I offered to help find him a way there. Mom calls, says shes on her way, a d I explain I'm helping someone. She asks, I tell her guy needs to get to DHS office. She offers to drive him, since she is comibg to get me anyeays, and its not far, so she will pick me up, then stop at home, then drive him to DHS. Ok. She picjs all 3 of us up. Goes home. Her husband screams at her to get him beer. She says no. He throws a fit. She doesnt want to do this right now, decides go get his beer, give it to him, and on our way to DHS after, least drama. We gobget the beer, come back to give it to him. She walks in first, they argue. Hubby reels back his elbow to punch her in the face. Well, drifter 1 is a 6 foot 60 year old buff Texas good ol boy, deceptively fast for his age. He took 2 steps, one past me, while skinny short drifter pulls me back out the door, and the other between hubby and mom, shieldibg mom, blocking hubby, and crams his fist dead shot into hubbys jaw. The force threw hubby into the chair behind him. Hubbys back hit the chair, his head came down to the seat while his legs flew up toward the ceiling, and the momentum carried him the rest of the way over. Bio mom rushes forward, toward the man who almost jist knocked her out over beer. Hubby darts to his feet, grabs a knife, puts her in front of him, puts it to her throat, and screams get out at us. Drifter 1 backs me out, but Im a fight response so I am screaming let her go, you want to fight a woman come on then bitch let her go a d fight a real one. Drofter 2 has called the police. They get me out of the house. Door shuts, more yelling. Cops over rado, come out, hands up. Hubby comes out, with the knife, yells fuck off. Cop drops to one knee, drop it, but hubbys already darted back inside. Out comes bio mom, who tells the cops I showed up woth my buddies, busted in and attacked her husband. She pulls me aside, and says, no one comes between me and my husband, you need to go. Ok, then. Your husba d is coming between you and your husband, which has cost you 7 kods, bit you dont learn.

I am now effectively stranded, in Alabama. I tell grandma, she says told you so. Well, I tried, I know what thrown awaybfeels like.

Drifters take me under wing, and I become a vagabond, while healing, for the next 6 years.

Some of my stories from that time:

*I meet a guy, typical story, move in, better job for him in Florida, we move, we fall out, he kicks me out, after all I moved into HIS place, and I spend some time at Cottons Corner in Tallahassee, the local drifter area.

*My bio dad finds out, says come up to Iron River, meet me. Sigh, ok, fuck. I go. Move in, find a job, work 1.5 years, he says you dont drive, my old truck needs a new transmission, $1000.00. You replace that, its yours, and I teach you to drive. Ok, deal. Replace tranny, he gave it to his brother in law the next day.

I stay with a friend from Iron River in an old camper next to a lake. We cut wood, fish, drink wine, bathe in the river, dry by the campfire, and fish eat drink chop laugh sleepnrepeat the fall away.

That ends. I travel on, as rovers, wanderers, nomads, and vagabonds do.

High school sweetheart calls. Well, 14 years of stupid love calls, and bet what I did? It ended, I end up in a Flint homeless shelter ran by a local gang, almost lighting a guy on fire after 3 days of no food, no sleep, no water, street fights every hour, no speraration of men women children, no weapons checks, people shooting heroine in the bathroom, and multiple attempted sexual assaults dragged to the parking lot and curb stomped by the gang. This is NOT working.

Call a friend, who's mom comes and gets me. She is the first touch of what mother should have been in my life. Meet a guy, date, move in, marry.

Guy is narcissist abuser to me, but we have a kid, my 2nd son, and I dont know how to leave, he studied law since he was 18, threatens to take my baby, I will never see him again. I remain frozen in fear, the threat of another child loss round my throat.

God comes along and drives me out of there, I divorce, cant prove the abuse, 50/50 joint legal physical custody, 2 weeks moms 2 weeks dads per month. He is now 12. I move on, in classic drifter fashion.

Remarried a good man in 2019, lived with his narcissist dad, who tried to run our marriage, husnand had a work accident and then a big settlement, found out we were pregnant at 40 me/60 him and now have an 8 month old as of 2/23/24. We had our problems, I lay down an ulmatum. Be my husband, or daddys wife, but you cant have both, and I can make it without you, I always have.

We moved to a tiny, unincorporated community, population 5000, literally in the woods, that has an atm, no bank, a dollar general, a general store, a post office, a pizza shop, a lake resoert, and a vape shop. Thats it. Literally. Trees, surrounded by lakes, and bear shit in the shed. The house is 100% paid off, the car is 100% paid off, and we are aboit to go through our first winter here, finally home, and no one for miles to fuck it up.

As for my son, I have not seen him, heard from him, known him, closed adoption, no contact, no photos, no stories, no idea what his name is now, who his APs are, or if he got a good AP or not. I did do the paperwork to release my info to him. He turned 19 9/21/2024. I dont even know if he knows he is adopted. So, I will do DNA, ancestry, 23 and me, and wait. Thats all I can do.

Me and my husband talked.

We own our home, outright, paid off. When we pass, it will pass down to Skylar (my husband's son), Mikael (my son from ex husband) Aiden (the 8 month old) and Cade (my 19 year old adoptee). No one may sell without the written consent of ALL others, including my adoptee son. No one may deny the right to live here to another, unless for extreme circumstances (PROVEN physical danger, i.e. one tried to cook meth in it, , which I dont think they will, ergo blow house up, ergo eviction can happen), they are all joint 100% owners of the home, whether they accept the house or not, it was already given. They will NOT end up in my situation, they will always have a way out.

If fucked in the head humans would like to have a problem, me and hubby will be waiting on my porch with my gun. God help you if one of my 4 boys is your target. We have 1 good neighbor, 2 houses that burnt down as other neighbors, and the other 3 we have not met, stay in their yard, dont say hi, and mind their own business. We, (except my wild ass siberian husky escaping and being the harmless bear bait moron asshole he is) return the favor.

The rest, I dont know yet. We'll see.

2 days after I filed the release, I posted this to my Facebook:

"2 days ago, I submitted the paperwork to release my name, address, email, and phone number to my son, xxxx xxxxx xxxx , if he chooses to look for me.

I signed off my rights in 2006, to protect my son, the hardest thing I have ever had to do. I loved, wanted, love, and want my son. But, the PROBABLE situations we were faced with were pretty bad, and like a mother in a room on fire passing her baby through the window to save him, I did what I had to do.

IF he contacts me, I will NOT be telling ANYONE that he did, unless he EXPRESSLY says he agrees, and only WHO he wants to know. I will NOT give ANY contact information to ANYONE unless HE wants me to, end of story. IF he requests me to give you his info, and he reaches out, and you then break his trust and give his info to someone else without his consent, I promise you, you will face my FULL WRATH, you are warned.

IF you read this, I ask ONE THING and ONE THING ONLY right now of you. If you know where xxxxx xxxxx xxxx is, and have a way to contact him, TELL HIM that I have submitted the paperwork to release my information, and if HE is willing for HIS SON to contact him, please relay his contact information to me, which will be given to my son if he asks about his father. I have been unable to reach xxxxx and inform him. My # is xxx xxx xxxx.

This is the ONLY information I will share as of now, and the only information I request, for my sons sake. If he contacts me, and if HE wants to know you, you will know, bit know this as well. If he contacts you, and that relationship is in ANY WAY NOT on HIS terms, I will react like a momma bear and you are hurting her cub.

You will have the rights HE gives you, end of story, deal with it, no matter WHO YOU ARE.

If you want to HELP, help me find his father.

Thank you for your time."