I'm not sure that two adults with ADD can be in a relationship while living together? Has anyone had success with strategies for learning how not to trigger each other?

I'm in a long-term relationship with a person with ADD. He was diagnosed as a kid, got treated, such that he's modified his work style extensively to fit his needs. So much so that he thought he 'grew out of it'. (I disagree). I was diagnosed with ADD about 6 or 7 years into our relationship. We were long-distance for that whole time, but with some periods of living together for 2-6 months at a time. That usually went really well, though we always fought about bedtimes.

When he moved in permanently, we made sure we had 2 bedrooms so we could go to bed separately if needed. Shocker, things still got way harder with us after that. I only actually started *learning* about ADD during the past year, when mine got much worse during COVID. We thought it was just anxiety. I think it was severe emotional dysregulation and exec function crashing trauma. It was brought on by lots of things, but partly by living with him. He's unpredictable, easily hurt but doesn't say his needs, worn out quickly by dealing with his own or others' emotions, very loving and really wants to please but doesn't pay attention to what I actually care about, forgets agreements and boundaries, needs lots of attention and affection but only when he wants it and otherwise largely forgets about me, incredibly affectionate and fun and silly and quick, very easily frustrated if I want to slow him down so I can think and figure out how I feel, and mostly disinterested in emotions rather than his special interests. I am basically the same, except my special interest *is* emotions, and I'm disinterested in his special interest (history). I think he feels a lot better around me when I mask (he doesn't see it this way), and so does my family of origin. it wore me right the fuck out. I've never known what it was like to just have my feelings and quirks and let other people deal with it. I'm just now learning this in therapy and its magical. I'm a little harsh and hard-assed about my boundaries and needs right now though, because I'm not well-practiced and otherwise I wilt. He responds kinda badly to most structures, gentle or harsh. Both of us over-identify with the others' emotions though and have created a mutually triggering dynamic where we feel on eggshells around each other a lot of the time. I know my 'journey' is really confusing for him, but he also doesn't want to really explore this for himself or with me, so it's not worth it for me to talk to him about it very much. This is really sad because we do actually love each other, and in smaller doses, we're really well-suited for each other. We give each other lots of grace, energy, stimulation, encouragement, flexibility, etc, when we're not burned out by each others' needs and by our inconsistent, impulsive responses to our own and others' needs.

I am currently in trauma therapy, dealing with childhood and adult trauma, partly due to untreated ADD and partly due to other stuff. I find my partner especially difficult to be around during this time. He's impatient with my emotions -- they don't interest him. They interest me intensely, obvs, so it hurts that he doesn't want to relate to me on this level as I'm doing Big Healing work. I have basically moved out temporarily. I'm trying to figure out if I can stay with him. I understand how intense I am right now and that I might not want to live with me right now either if I were my partner. But I can't help resenting that he can't/won't be there for me right now. I'd like to stay together, but think we can't live together.

We're poly, so re-negotiating relationship boundaries is part and parcel of the deal. It seems possible to "go back" to not living together and still love each other a lot, but I wish we could figure out how to live together better. Sometimes I wonder if we know each other at all though, or if each of us is living in a different relationship, with someone constructed out of ADD imaginative forgetfulness.
And I look at my metamour and think living together is not possible. The 3 of us live together and she is way easier for me to be around when I'm hurting, and probably easier for him to be around too. She's much more consistent, knows and expresses her needs clearly, and doesn't forget to do what she's said she's going to do. It's so nice and feels so safe to be around that, and also makes me sad b/c I just know I can't do that. Ever, not full-time. Neither can he. It makes me think trying to be "full-time" partners was our biggest mistake. They'd probably have an easier time in their relationships if she wasn't trying to manage the pinball machine dynamics of living with the two of us, which we don't even notice most of the time. I feel sad about losing quality time with him though, and I think he won't remember to reach out to me as long as he's living with *someone* so if he lives with her and not me, that's probably the end of me having anything like a consistent partner? (I'm the same way). I'm also stressed about the money involved in living alone.

I really don't know what I'm asking; I just needed to be able to lay this out.