I am happy you‘ve found it helpful and am crossing my fingers for you!

hmm.. that‘s a tough one. I think an important thing to find, especially shortly after diagnosis, is the balance between ‚it‘s not my fault, it‘s a condition‘ and ‚it‘s all my fault‘. I, and by the sounds of it also possibly you, lean more towards the latter. And, as much as it has helped me, (spicy opinion incoming) I feel like CBT/DBT can sometimes ‚help‘ us accept unacceptable situations.

Self-regulation is vital, especially to us, but you have to leave some energy for the other person - are they holding up their part of the deal? (Freshly) diagnosed it is sometimes hard to remember that also people without diagnoses can have shitty communication and regulation skills. Sometimes we can‘t solve the problem because we‘re not solely responsible for causing it.

I highly suggest you talk to a professional about this, someone to help you figure out how much of your experience is RSD/dysregulation and how much shitty relationship dynamics. Maybe someone with experience in couple‘s therapy.

I am proud of you for doing your part. But please remember that it always takes two.

I (dx) usually just address it, as in „I realise I‘m crying, there‘s nothing I can do about it, we can continue talking.“ My eyes just start leaking easily, that‘s all, I can usually still continue talking calmly. If not, I‘d just ask for some time.

I have found guys tend to react weirdly to me tearing up and have accused me of using that to make them seem like the bad guy. I have usually just told them that, no, „I am having a heavy conversation with someone I love and that is hard and painful, not a judgement of guilt or a form of manipulation“ - like bro, you can cry too, you know?

That might be a bit harsh, but at this point - as long as I can continue conversing normally - I feel like someone‘s reaction to me crying is kinda.. their thing to unpack?

As someone with ADHD, I experience RSD myself and have found it hard to deal with, in myself and also with a former ADHD partner. I think that we have to make sure to not let our RSD get in the way of us taking accountability. Hearing your partner tell you that you‘ve hurt them, for example (and we all fuck up sometimes and a partner respectfully letting us know is good and healthy), but we can‘t make ourselves the victims there. I am tempted to write on for ages, but I hope I‘ve managed to bring my point across.