Hello, I’ve posted in here a few times about my ex gf who was really emotionally abusive/manipulative. I’m 29yo, and my ex and I broke up a few months ago after a 5 month relationship that was really intense and toxic. This was my first ever adult relationship. Unfortunately it reinforced all my fears about relationships that manifested after a series of sexual abuse/coercion experiences throughout the ages of 15-23. She was not understanding of my sexual trauma and lack of sexual experience after this. She told me she wanted to be there for me to help develop trust with her and feel safe with her sexually. But after a couple of months her preoccupied attachment took over and she started to believe that if I didn’t feel safe with her yet (after 2 months lol???) that I didn’t desire her or want her. Then she would criticise me sexually constantly - why haven’t we had sex more then a couple of times a week (we only saw each other 2 days a week), why don’t you initiate (I don’t know how to, I never learned how to), why don’t you push me to have sex when I say I’m not in the mood (why would I want to coerce my girlfriend?), why aren’t you sexually aggressive (again I was still trying to feel safe to even have any sex and I’m not a dominant person sexually). Just to clarify also we were having sex a few times a week and we only saw each other a few times a week. There were times she would be emotionally abusive and manipulative, split on me, and make me feel emotionally unsafe so I didn’t want to have sex obviously. So her response to that was to tell me I must be asexual (which unfortunately has really gotten into my head and it’s taking a lot of therapy and reassurance from my friends for me to believe I’m not asexual). My ex gf had pretty significant CPTSD and was so traumatised and I empathise with her pain but it caused her to treat me awfully.

Anyway because of all this, and my sexual trauma history/general poor sexual experiences (raped by highschool bf, first sexual experience with a girl was coercive and she was shit to me, second sexual experience with a woman was not coercive but I wasn’t attracted to her and she didn’t understand I needed to take it slow)….. because of all this, I feel utterly hopeless about my future relationships and sexual experiences. I feel like a loser, no one’s going to want to have sex with me because I’m a bit fumbly and awkward, no one is going to want to stay with me after we have sex a few times, I’m a loser who can’t be dominant so who is going to want me? Whoever I’m with won’t be patient with me or understand my need for safety before I come out of my shell sexually. I’m years behind my peers in terms of sexual relationship experience. I want to have casual sex to rebuild my confidence but I don’t know how to do that and my body convulses when I’m nervous about sex because it doesn’t feel safe. I want to be able to see if I’m sexually compatible with someone before committing to a relationship but how do I do that if it takes me time to feel sexually safe and sexually free. I am a lesbian with a rich inner world and sexual desires and fantasies yet all I can hear in my head is now inadequate I am sexually and that I must be asexual after all since I didn’t want to force my girlfriend to have sex or since I didn’t want to have sex with her when she did or said something awful to me.

I just feel hopeless and would love to know if anyone who has had a sexual trauma history and who has been a bit behind in terms of relationship experiences was able to find a good partner who was patient and understanding??? I need a sliver of hope 😢 I feel like these people have ruined my life and my capacity to develop sexual confidence completely, like they stole it from me, and it’ll never get better.i just feel pathetic?? Yes I’m in therapy and am processing all of it with my therapist. But I just don’t believe people when they say the right person will show up some day. I’d love to hear some positive stories from others. ❤️