I remember my prof saying that audit is only for those who can handle upsetting people. Didn't take that seriously - fast forward three years and now having a sneaking suspicion that maybe audit isn't for me.

If clients push back asking why I need something, if I don't think I'll need it to pass review, I'll let it go. God, if only I could just tell them I need it to do my damn job and I'll leave them alone quicker if they give it to me. If my managers force weird expectations (checking on me twice a day and requiring periodic emails about what I'm working on), I'll cave in like a sandbag. If only I could just tell 'em to shove off and give me some breathing room.

I feel like other people will think my questions are stupid and drop my performance review to a 1 (hello, PIP). Managers "encourage" questions but then make me feel idiotic for asking it ("Well I hope you're not asking me ____, because you should really know that" no actual answer). I want to yell: "Yes you hired an idiot! Happy? I can either sit here and be an idiot or you can help me find the answer and I can get this damn audit done. Which one do you want?"

I was hoping being subjected to all this stress would make me do a 180 and just generally not give a shit about pissing people off. But instead I now feel paranoid and terrified of people feel burdened.

It's ruining me psychologically and I can't get any sleep (when not doing overtime) so it's a vicious cycle. Counting down the days until I go full Milton. And I'm not even working in public!

I want Donald Trump's attitude - I want aggression and I want to enjoy pissing other people off. I'd rather be the loser with an agressive attitude than the loser who anyone and their grandma can track their shoes on. No one cares about you or will know you even exist unless you get in their face. Not having an attitude and feeling like you can give other people shit is mentally crippling and I feel like I'll suffocate constantly.

My question (kudos to you if you got this far) is should I stay or go (where)? Do I need more time for the I-don't-give-a-rats-ass attitude to kick in? Starve myself to get more desperate/aggressive? Roleplay mugging someone?

Edit: I see the downvotes - love it. I'm making waves and burnin' bridges (jk)!