No matter the approach I take I never get anyone really down to help me experience what I am looking for and here I feel invalidated completely. I don’t know if it’s a curse or what but I’ve tried to be less open about my kinks and I get mostly bottoms that show up and expect me to be the top.. I then am more upfront of what I am looking for and I constantly hear not today not tonight let’s try for another day or can I get a rain check but I have not really ever felt any sort of completion and my enjoyment of sex has been absent of total completion. Only a few times in my 33 years of life did I ever have sex that was truly enjoyable. I’ve had plenty of times where guys romanticized me and wanted to do the whole lovey lovey bullshit and well once upon a time I wanted that but it was killed by 2 partners that I have had even tho they also didn’t complete me in any sense of sexually since I wasn’t receiving the dominance or aggression I was seeking from them. I don’t know why but something ever since I was a kid made me seek out someone who’d dominate me which none of my partners never actually dominated me. But all have cheated on me numerous times and a couple of them either made me stay home (with camera supervision) just to accuse me of cheating when they saw I never left or even had anyone over then at times I would have to spend all day with them being left to sit in the car while being cheated on evertime one would pick up weed just to come out to the car after an hour to say they love me and that I’m being ridiculous for having such notions (this is after already walking up to look through a window to see him and 2 other guys fucking). Now here I am seeing so many other guys younger my age and older experiencing what I am seeking. I’ve even been so lucky as to get a group of guys over to my house just to end up being expected to be a top cause one other guy wanted to bottom so badly that I was asked by other guys “what if we use this guy today and then next time we will all use you?” Just to never get anyone to ever actually follow through. Other times it would end up where a top would ask if he could invite another over because they are “ruthless” “savage” or a “good fuck” just to have the guy who comes over be a “worthless fuck hole” “cum dump” or “puddle slut” but never have they actually ever been a top.. what the fuck is wrong with me to literally put me in the same spot ever time? My life is being cut short and I want to experience life and my sexual desires but so far I haven’t even been close. Am I that ugly or deserve such a lack of care or respect for my wants, desires, or fantasies to ever become a possibility? Right now with my sexiual drive and desires never actually ever being truly fulfilled I am contemplating death. There’s nothing worse than getting off or blowing a load that is not ever fulfilled. The closest I have ever gotten to feeling sexually complete is watching porn, beating my meat, imagining that I’m in that video and that it’s a memory of mine instead of someone else’s reality. I think this is where I say thank you for the memory’s it’s time to take my leave. Most will say I’m selfish but you know what I’ve never been selfish in my life and I think I’m allowed to at this point in my life. So good on you all that have dragged me to this ledge and ignored me then said just enough to me to keep me from jumping but I think I’m ready to jump. ✌️