I had my first experience with “freedom” as a consequence of a total meltdown.

Almost as a coping mechanism, I just started making eye contact with people and doing really stupid things in public (like laying on the ground, or dressing ridiculous and dancing, or singing obnoxiously loud to the music at a gas station to name a few)

That’s when I found out about “not giving a fuck”, nihilism, and optimistic nihilism.

I did really stupid / silly things that weren’t “me”, but more of an “exercise” to allow me to be myself.

During this time I was so much more confident when it came to conflict. I could say what was on my mind, I was unaffected by peoples disapproval or even hatred of me.

I was delivering food at the time and somehow I got free meals and drinks just by saying what was on my mind. Like one time I asked for a fork so I could eat this dudes leftovers while the meal was being made (pretty gross I know), but the dude came out with a whole free meal for me!

Even cooler, was I called the competitors of my pathetic failing business, just to see what kind of opportunity there might be. I ended up landing a job with the business they shared the space with.

2 years later, I got a sweet new job that pays double and I work half as hard. My “competitor” became my client, and I became their client, and overall things are going very well, thanks to a few months of an absurd mentality.

But… more importantly was I had accepted my life for what it was. I was happy/content despite my life being a total disaster, and I didn’t need anyones approval.

Its crazy how we really are our own worst enemies. And life could be a lot better if you just get out of your own way and live on your own terms. I understand the pointlessness of it all but…. We might as well enjoy the time we have.

Unfortunately I’ve slid back into my shell over time since I initially “broke free” from my own prison. I’m in a state of overthinking now.

Like I don’t want to feel obligated to do every stupid thing that comes to my mind. I don’t want to always have to be dancing in public just to “not care”.

the closest comparison I can think of is that my “absurd” way or “fully authentic” self is like a muscle. I need to exercise it. So occasionally i need to dance like an idiot in public spaces.

Anyways, this is part testimony and part discussion. I’ve gotten a taste of absurdism and it was the best way to live. But I’ve fallen away.

I guess it’s time for more public dancing.