I’m going to let you in on a little secret that Josh Frydenberg doesn’t want you to know. T̶h̶e̶ ̶L̶i̶b̶e̶r̶a̶l̶ ̶P̶a̶r̶t̶y̶ ̶a̶r̶e̶ ̶s̶h̶i̶t̶ ̶c̶u̶n̶t̶s̶ By employing a few simple strategies you can make more money from lodging a tax return than you can in a year from your everyday career doing whatever the fuck it is you do when you’re not on Reddit. And the best bit is it’s perfectly legal, so much so that even Kerry Packer endorses this strategy, as it’s effectively maximising your tax return as much as possible. So without further ado here’s some effective tips for minimising your tax.

• Panic sell - An important part of every investor arsenal, the panic sell allows you to cash out at a substantial loss on a temporary downturn, thereby rendering a healthy capital loss which can be offset against your income. By selling out as soon as there’s a slightly negative market update you’re ensuring you don’t have to deal with the stress that comes with a slowly recovering stock. You also don’t have to log in every day to see Clifford the big red dog mocking you, not that I’d know anything about that. Remember, you want to axe the losers at their lowest point as this is the best strategy for a good tax return.

• FOMO into stocks - Being a bag holder is underrated and ‘profitable trades’ are fast becoming obsolete. By buying into a stock that’s gone up over 100% over the last week you’re almost certain to incur a loss when it comes time to sell, thereby netting even more of those precious offsets that allow for a bigger tax return. As an added bonus if you if you hold an unprofitable stock for 366 days or longer you get absolutely no capital losses discount, allowing you to construct a multi year effective tax minimisation strategy all from the comfort of your mum’s spare bedroom. Take that overpriced financial planner.

• Buy crypto - Controversial, but hear me out. An important part of any tax minimisation strategy is to diversify your losses, thereby giving you the best chance to bank those sweet ATO gains. Look for meme coins that your Mum heard about on the Today show like Dogecoin, as it’s important to invest in something that has absolutely no practical purpose other than appearing in Elon Musk’s tweets every time he chows down a pack of Adderall. Remember, casting the net wider and putting money into things you’ve done no DD on will almost always return a higher tax deduction.

• DCA daily into VDHG - This strategy is for advanced investors only, so proceed with caution. By dollar cost averaging into the same diversified stock every day you’re creating hundreds of menial transactions that your accountant then has to input and track to establish if there’s a profit or not. But we know there’s going to be no profit here, as you’ve just spent $600 on an accountant, which is - wait for it - a tax deductible expense. It’s loopholes like these that allow the wrinkle brained class to rise to the top. Ka ching.

As the saying goes, you’ve got to spend money to make money. If you can execute an optimal strategy that ignores pro tax paying ideas such as earning more money you’re allowing your portfolio to run it’s natural course, and can sit back and watch as Josh Frydenberg delivers an annual subscription of returns direct to your bank account, tax free! Don’t be a virgin ‘giver’ when it comes to tax, be a chad and take back what you deserve by effectively maximising your tax returns for many years to come.