Context: You are a royal, a royal that has been kidnapped by mercenaries looking for a lucrative payday. You're sure your parents will either pay the ransom or send someone to get you. Someone who knows how to get the job done. You're sure they'll be exactly what you need in your darkest hour. Right?

Setting: A castle, you think

Tags:[MMF4A][Himbo Amazonian Speaker][Captor/Minion Speakers][Royal Listener][Comedy][Flirting][Fighty Girl][Actual Amazon?][Dom][Action][Rescue][Size Difference][High Energy][CW: Mention of Breast Cancer]

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***

[C] = Your captor

[M] = A minion

[S] = "Susan"

***

[Scene opens in…?]

[SFX: A quiet dripping and even quieter footsteps]

[You are bound and tethered in a place you don’t know by an assailant equally as mysterious. Someone speaks to you:]

[C] “Quit your struggling, you royal brat! So long as you stay obedient and we get our ransom, you’ll go home mostly intact.”

[Pause!]

[C, chuckling] “Oh, I doubt they’d send someone. I have a well-armed army guarding this castle, so don’t get yourself twisted up.”

[SFX: A loud crash and the castle rumbling]

[C, alarmed] “Wha-? Jeremy, what’s going out there?!”

[It’s faint, but you can hear the response:]

[M] Some crazy lady just charged in here with a fucking axe! Don’t worry, boss, we’ve got it!

[Pause!!!]

[M] Quick, to positions!

[SFX: Another loud rumble]

[M] It’s just one person, so all of you stop quaking in your boots and-!

[SFX: The door shattering]

[Even though it’s faint, you can hear quite a bit of panic and chaos, as well as a new voice]

[S] “G’day, grunts! I hear you got a prince or princess here that you didn’t ask nicely to borrow!”

[M] Open fire!

[SFX: Gunshots, general action/combat]

[S] “Ha! C’mon then! This is what I LIVE for!”

[Your captor seems a little less certain the longer the chaos goes on]

[C] “A-Ahem, ah… Your parents were foolish to send a lone agent to rescue you, your highness. No matter how strong they are, they aren’t going to be strong enough to cut down my men!”

[M] Oh god, she’s cutting us into ribbons!

[S] “Oh, put a bandaid on it, you big babies! Ooh, is that a rocket launcher I see back there with the gent that wore mismatched socks today?”

[M] I told you everyone would notice, Kyle!

[SFX: More chaos and fighting]

[C, stern] “Do you know the person they sent? Answer, immediately!”

[Pause!]

[C] “DO NOT LIE TO ME!”

[SFX: Another smack]

[He backhands you again and you yelp]

[SFX: The chaos pausing for a moment]

[M] Ma’am, ma’am, MA’AM PLEASE! PLEASE I NEED MY SPINE!

[S] “Yeah? What’s it worth to ya?”

[M] W-What do you want?!

[C] “...Jeremy, don’t you fucking dare…”

[M] I’ll sell out my boss! I’ll sing like a canary! I’ll go to Church and repent, just please put down your huge axe!

[Your ‘rescuer’ cackles quietly]

[S] “Yeah…? How about that nice, pretty code for that nice, pretty door?”

[C] “JEREMY, I SWEAR TO GOD!”

[M] I-I’m sorry! It’s 4444!

[Your rescuer laughs again and, two seconds later, you hear the door practically explode inward]

[SFX: Footsteps and a heavy axe dragging across the ground]

[C, in disbelief] “... You just… punched the door in. Wait, you didn’t even need the fucking code?!”

[S, chuckling] “Nah. I just like seein’ your kind piss themselves once they realize they aren’t winnin’ the fight anymore. Warms the old heart. Now.”

[SFX: The axe tapping the ground twice]

[S] “How about you, big boy? Want to step to me?”

[Pause]

[C, quiet] “...Just take the royal brat and leave.”

[S] “Aww, you’re no fun. Fine. Get runnin’, you and the living ones. If I catch any of you by the time I leave, we’re gonna have another playdate. Got it?”

[C] “Yes ma’am.”

[SFX: Quiet, shameful footsteps]

[S, with a sigh] “Minions these days. Either the most annoyin’ things on the planet, the most incompetent things on the planet, or the biggest simps you’ll ever see. I see you down there lickin’ my boot, sub boy! Out of here!”

[SFX: More shameful, faster footsteps]

[S] “Pfeh. Alright, brat, let’s get you back to Mummy and Daddy dearest. Hold still… Would hate to bisect ya!”

[SFX: The axe decimating some poor chains]

[Pause!]

[S] “HA! Squirmy thing, aincha.”

[When your vision comes back into view, you see a pretty damned big lady towering over you, leaning on a massive axe and picking her teeth with a toothpick]

[S] “How’s it, Highness? Name’s Penthesilea, but folks call me Susan.”

[She hefts you on her impressive shoulder]

[Pause???]

[S] “Why Susan? Cause Penthesilea is hard as tits to say, I guess. I only got one of ‘em left, so I gotta protect it, grok?”

[SFX: The axe being lifted and Susan carrying the Listener off]

[S] “Oh, the one titty thing? I’m an Amazon, obviously.”

[...]

[She cracks up loudly, happy to be obnoxious AF]

[S] “Haaaa! Nah, I’m messin’. Had a run-in with breast cancer a few years back so they took a tit.”

[Pause]

[S] “Why’re you sorry? It happens.”

[Pause?]

[She laughs again]

[S] “Sounded like I was havin’ fun doin’ my job, eh? Good! I live by that whole “do what you love”, shit. And me? I love fighting. Love headbuttin’ fools who get in my face, love throwin’ punches, love crushin’ fools' heads between my thighs if I need ta! Not so keen when they start moanin’ and calling me Ma, tho. Creepy.”

[Pause?]

[S] “Yeh, your ritzy parents apparently read some good reviews on the Merc! site.”

[???]

[S] “It’s a place where you can review mercs, assassins, all that shit. Five out of five stars, baby! She gets it done, every time! I even picked up a bit of that funny computer talk to make me a website.”

[Pause]

[S] “Oh, a thank you? Ooh, you’re a nice one, huh? Heh. You richies are usually too busy smellin’ your own stank like it’s a fine wine to have any manners.”

[Pause]

[S] “What am I doin’ after this? What, you mean after bringin’ you home or exiting this stereotypical evil castle?”

[Pause]

[She cackles, slapping a hand over her very toned abs]

[S] “Ha! Wha’, you flirting with me? You got some serious spine to look at a 7’ bruiser like me and think to yourself “Yeah, I wanna try and hit that”. Heh. Look, Teeny, you’re a lil cute, I guess, but I’m not one for romance.”

[Pause]

[S] “Cause it ain’t fightin’! You don’t mix romance and fightin’, that’s just not on.”

[Pause?]

[She pauses for a moment, as though enlightened]

[S] “Dates that are… fights? What, like sparring?”

[Pause]

[S] “Huh. Hey! No, you don’t get to use that royal finesse you got on me, Teeny. I don’t care how bad you wanna piss off Mummy or Daddy, I’m not about that life. If I ain’t fightin’, then I’m relaxin’. Right ol’ couch potato in my downtime. Roomie calls me ‘Lazy Susan’ for it, heh. But I do my chores!”

[Pause???]

[S] “Why do I have a roomie if I’m makin’ merc money? Sheesh, you royals really are outta touch, ain’t ya? How much do you think rent is for us peasants?”

[...?]

[She bursts into laughter, almost in hysterics]

[S] “Oh my gods! Oh, you’re… Wow. Heh. C’mon, let’s get you home ‘fore you make me laugh myself to death.”

[SFX: Helicopter noises]

[S] “Ah, there we are. One ritzy ride for a royal brat. They’ll touch down in a bit and you’ll be on your way.”

[She sets you down. Well, lowballs you, more like]

[S] “Eyup, try not to get kidnapped again, Teeny. I’d hate ta have to come rescue you again.”

[She gives you a wink, hefts her axe over her back, and strides off]

[...]

[Maybe you’ll test your luck again. You feel cute, might get kidnapped again later. Who knows?]

[The End]

Note: "Lol," said the Amazon. "Lmao."