Context: Everything is numb. Everything hurts. You want to fix it, but you're too tired. So you watch your partner try and fix things for you, getting more and more frustrated. You worry he's going to find out you're worthless but... what honestly can you do?

Setting:...

Tags:[M4A][Supportive Boyfriend Speaker][Depressed Listener][Angst][Depression][Comfort][Argument][Lashing Out][Loving][We'll Make It][I'm Here][CW: Depression/Implied Suicidal Thoughts]

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***

[Scene opens at… home, you think]

[SFX: Muffled speaking]

[You’re sitting with your partner while he tries to talk to you, but it all feels incredibly muddled]

“-just really worried. I’ve had to do all the cooking and cleaning lately, you’ve been irritable, you always seem out of it, and I’m getting kind of worried, baby. If I’ve done something wrong, I wish you’d just talk to me instead of all this passive-aggressive bullshit!”

[Pause]

“Huh? I mean, I’m not angry. I’m a little frustrated because I work long hours and the house is always kind of messy when I get home, but… I don’t know, you’re just not acting like yourself.”

[Pause]

“...Baby, that was uncalled for. I want to help but I need to know what’s going on. Do you just… not want to be with me anymore? Is that it?”

[...]

“That may be for the best because I deserve better anyway? Baby! Where is all of this coming from?! Like, you’re being ridiculous and I know that YOU KNOW that you’re being ridiculous! So can we please stop this high school bullshit and just…”

[You begin to sob. You can’t help it anymore]

“...t-talk. Oh, baby, you’re crying… Shh, no, come here, it’s gonna be OK.”

[Pause!]

“OK… OK, I won’t touch you. Can I still sit here with you? Please? I know you’re mad, but… I don’t think you want to be alone right now…”

[...]

“Thank you…”

[He sits near you for a bit and opens his arm when you finally scoot into his side]

“Here. Of course, you can cuddle up to my side. There we go, mmh. Shh, it’s OK. Or… it’s not OK, but we can make it OK? I just, I’m scared, sweetheart. I see you suffering like this and all I want to do is help but… I don’t know how. I don’t know what’s wrong. I know you’re in pain but if you can tell me…”

[Pause]

“You feel like someone sandpapered your brain until it’s smooth and dull? Your body hurts, moving is hard, and… and you feel like you’re in a fog of pain and numbness. I see… Jesus, OK, how long have you felt like this?”

[Pause]

“OK, OK, you want to get your feelings out first. I’m listening, baby.”

[Long Pause]

[Note: Recommend the Speaker acknowledge the Listener via improv]

“You feel… stuck. Like you’re meant to ask for help but can’t because you’re scared people will leave… So you just try and pretend things are OK until the feelings lessen? Baby… No, no, I’m still listening. OK… You’re frustrated. Mad at everything and everyone, but mostly yourself. You… hate yourself, and any time someone tells you you’re amazing or good, it makes you even madder because you feel like you’re not living up to it or they’re just mocking you… You’re used to feeling numb, and the anger and sadness aren’t that bad… ”

[Pause]

“But they’ve only been getting worse… Oh, honey, come here. Can I give you a hug? It’s OK to say no, I promise. I just want to comfort you in any way I can, it breaks my heart seeing you hurt like this! God, and you’ve been bottling all of this up… My poor Butterbean.”

[Pause]

“It’s OK… That was a lot, but you needed to get it off your chest. I’m just so sorry that you’ve been hurting like this in silence, if I’d known-”.

[Pause]

“Right, dropping it. You get your feelings out, sweetheart. I’m going to repeat it back, just to make sure I understand. Is that OK?”

[Pause]

[He takes a breath and nods]

“Alright. You get all of it out. No holding back, no sparing my feelings if I’ve fucked up. You need me, I’m here.”

[Long Pause]

“You feel like a burden. Like you’re meant to be engaging but can’t, so you feel you let yourself and others down. You worry people think you’re lazy or don’t care, and part of you worries the same because if you cared, you’d be able to push through all of this. Be the person your friends and family need you to be… even if you feel like they don’t give you the same effort. You’re hurting… and you want the pain to stop… Is that right?”

[Pause]

[He gently rubs your back as you cry]

“You’re not ungrateful, baby! You’re depressed… You need help, and I’m here to provide it as much as I can, OK?”

[Pause]

[He’s quiet for a moment before he asks meekly]

“Sweetie, I… Can I ask something?”

[Pause?]

“Do you really want to… die?”

[...]

[He exhales, his hug relaxing a little]

“No… You just don’t want to be in pain anymore. OK. I understand. We can work on that, I promise. For right now, we’ll just take this one step at a time. I don’t want to overwhelm you.”

[...]

“Hey, hey, it’s OK… We can get some takeout and watch cartoons together, OK? I promise we’re going to get through this like we do everything else. Remember Magda from downstairs? How she had some kind of cult dance group? We got through that, right?”

[Pause]

“Right, right, Zumba, heh. I swear I have a brain lying somewhere around here.”

[Pause]

“Heh, there was a tiny smile. Go on and cozy, OK? I’ll put the order in.”

[Pause?]

“Hm? We’ll start with a doctor’s appointment. They’ll be able to get us started, or at least point us in the right direction. From there, we go on this journey together, we check in with each other, and, as much as I hate to say it, I’m going to keep you accountable, Baby, but I can’t be enabling you. If that makes sense?”

[Pause]

“I promise you that, if I start getting fed up or anything, we’ll talk through it. There’s counseling we could do as a couple… but I know you. I trust you, enough that I think I’ll be able to tell when it’s the person I love talking or the depression goblin talking.”

[<3]

[He smiles and kisses your forehead]

“Here’s a forehead kiss for my little trooper. Mwah.”

[Pause]

“Love you, too, Butterbean. Get some rest, I’ll have some terrible junk food here in thirty! Or, whenever the delivery guy makes it, haha. Either way, I’m not going anywhere.”

[The End]

Note: I wrote this while 100% depression numb, can you tell? Am I winning, Dad?