Context: Angels do good, Demons do bad, and you just want your coffee. There's just one problem. It's opposite day.

Setting: A city cafe/Pine Street ext.

Tags: [MAA4A][Strangers to ?][Lucifer Himself Speaker][Sub Angel Speaker][Chill Demon Speaker][Opposite Day][Biblical References][Mild Lore Drops][Comedy][Spicy][Shoulder Angel][Shoulder Devil][CW: Swears/Implied Violence/Spicy Oiled Himbos]

Usage: You may tweak or record this script. Gender flipping is OK! Please credit me if you use this script in any of your projects.

Monetization: Monetization is OK with me, be it Youtube, Patreon, etc. but if you have any questions, feel free to DM me.

***

[L] = Lucifer, King of Hell, single Dad, decent drummer

[A] = Your Angel, kind of a bratty sub

[D] = Your Demon, surprisingly chill

***

[Scene opens in a cafe]

[SFX: General cafe ambiance]

[You’re sitting with your usual coffee when someone sits across from you. He’s very handsome and very done-looking]

[L] Congratulations, human! You’ve been selected to participate in the beta run of the Heaven and Hell teambuilding exercise!”

[...?]

[L] “Oh, stop looking at your coffee, you’re not dreaming. Let me start at the beginning: Hi, I’m Lucifer. Single-dad, sick drummer and I guess King of Hell, whatever. Point is, my ex and I are trying to help our “families” get along by forcing them to do each other’s jobs for a day. An opposite day, if you will! Now, your guardian angel and your bad influence demon are here and they’re going to do their best to act opposite, OK? Great! Bye!”

[SFX: An ominous “poof”]

[While you’re sitting there in disbelief, two people also “poof” into existence on either side of you]

[A] “Hello! Hi! I’m your Angel.”

[The other one grimaces as though they’ve just caught a face full of sunshine]

[D] “Demon. Sup. What are you doing, drinking coffee?”

[A] “Oh you really shouldn’t, that’s-”.

[SFX: Zappy zaps]

[A] “AAAIIIEEE!! Ow… ow ow ow, ooh, I knew this was a bad idea! Forcing us to act like these… horn boys and gals!”

[D] “Pffft, you’re just mad because you’re a sub without a Mommy or Daddy to tell them what to d-”.

[SFX: More zappy zaps]

[D] “GRARGHRL! Rrgh! I… mean… maybe you have some… opportunities for growth in the, eughh… personality…garden…”

[Pause???]

[The demon tents their fingers with a fanged and furious smile]

[D] “It’s your day off. What would you like to do, dearest, most precious human? A nice walk in the park, maybe?”

[A] “Ooh, that sounds n-...n-not good! No, that, uh… SUCKS! Oh no, I said a swear, oh this is butts! OH NO-!”

[SFX: Zappies that translate to “Bruh” in the language of its people]

[D] “...Butt isn’t a swear.”

[A] “Y-Yes it is!”

[D] “DOCTORS CAN SAY BUTT! IT’S NOT A SWEAR IF DOCTORS CAN SAY IT, YOU F-!”

[SFX: The mournful song of the Zappening]

[D] “FFFFFFresh pair of socks! Rrgh… I suggested a nice walk in the park, happy happy HAPPY thoughts! What about you, Angel?”

[A] “Uhh… Y-You could, um… Ooh! You could stay inside all day and play those video games that have cleavage and violence. That sounds slothful and wasteful, right?”

[D] “Play the one where you murder demons.”

[A] “...Bro?”

[D] “What? What’s more archangel than wanting to murder demons?”

[A] “Oh my God… Oh shit, I mean, GOODNESS!”

[D] “Did you just take your own Mom’s name in vain? Ooooh, you in trouble… W-Which you should meditate on and, uh, ask to repent. Or something. Just tell the old broad you’re sorrEEEEEEK!”

[SFX: Disappointed zaps. You two are better than this]

[Pause?]

[A] “Lucifer…? Oh, that foul man is probably out on Pine Street trying to keep everyone from killing each other. We should probably avoid… missing out on seeing the chaos?”

[D] “Ayy, you’re getting it, Angel! Er, um, we should probably avoid it for the sake of your abysmal mental health. You still need to make an appointment with a primary, dumbass.”

[You all pause but no zaps come]

[D] “Ooh, tough love clause… Heheheh, I can get away with being a little mean, which means Sub here can get away with being a little uptight and goody-two-shoes. Fascinating…”

[A] “Can you not call me Sub? I’m not a sub.”

[D] “You’re pouting like one. Mad that the human isn’t stroking your ego for once? “Ooh, someone must be looking out for me!”. Then your little wings bristle and you look so self-important. You adore the attention.”

[A, flustered] “Y-You’re one to talk! You purr! Like a cat! Like a FAT CAT! You’re a fat cat that loves it when they get attention for decapitating cute little mice or barfing on the carpet!”

[Your demon smiles in amusement as your angel rages and throws a proper tantrum]

[D] “Human, I’d advise you to pat them on the head. It’ll help calm them down.”

[You pat your Angel on the head and they become a docile mess in seconds]

[A] “I obey…”

[D] “Suuubbb.”

[You let them argue for a bit and step outside of the cafe, heading toward Pine Street]

[SFX: A door chime and the Angel and Demon arguing indistinctly]

[Note: Recommend some improv here, if desired]

[D] “You tug on my horns again, and I’m going to-”.

[SFX: The Earth rumbling]

[A] “Ha! I could take you in a fight, no problem! You’re just-!”

[SFX: The Earth rumbling harder]

[D] “Wait, shut up… What is that?”

[A] “An… earthquake?”

[You arrive on Pine Street to… well, disaster. Angels and demons move about in abject chaos while Lucifer rubs his temples]

[Pause?]

[L] “Hmm? Oh, it’s you. Your pair already kill each other?”

[D] “Nah, we’re alive, boss. Oh dang, what a mess! Which demon punched a hole in that skyscraper?”

[L] “Michael.”

[A] “Y-You don’t mean Archangel Michael? He’d never!”

[L] “Opposite day, Sub. Holy righteousness tends to turn into nuclear revenge when in the perspective of a demon.”

[Pause…]

[A] “O-Oh dear… And that, um, nude parade?”

[L] “Asmodeus. He’s having a blast since the lawyers couldn’t prove whether sexy bits were a means of joy and happiness or a means of wickedness and corruption. Too confusing, so he said “Bits for all!” and now we have the Bits Parade with blackjack and oiled himbos.”

[Pause]

[D, cackling] “Noo, don’t say “that’s hot”, human, that’s a siiiinnn.”

[A, clearly dying of embarrassment] “N-No, human, you should… partake of, uh… o-oh my goodness, he’s really going for it, a-ahem! Uh. You should… ogle… the bits?”

[L] “Ogle away, but don’t touch. Or do, I don’t care, I have enough shit on my plate. Damian and his partner are here somewhere and their empty-headed altruism has become a nightmarish black hole of a person smarter than they looked and my son is now subbier than Sub here.”

[A] “H-Hey!”

[D, wheezing] “Ouch! You’re so mad, aren’t you? Now you have to actually do work. Now you have to actually try. And it sucks, doesn’t it?”

[A] “Excuse me?! Angels work just as hard as demons, if not more so!”

[D] “Pssh, no. Absolutely not. You guys are like drug dealers. You sweep around, all high and mighty, sprinkling in little bits of hope to people who are otherwise so depressed they can hardly move. While we’re down here, trying to get them to indulge in a little sin so they don’t lose their minds, you’re trying to act like suffering is a privilege, and that they’ll be so rewarded if they can just punish themselves a little longer to have earned that little bit of happiness from you. For once, I get to relax and you have to try and figure out how to bandage this until I feel like working which, no offense human, I think I’m going to take a bit.”

[Pause]

[A] “... I didn’t realize.”

[D] “What?”

[A] “I want to apologize.”

[D] “Aaah, what?! Stop, I hate this! Boss, make Sub stop being nice to me!”

[L, with a sigh] “Oh my… Look, I kind of have to deal with Legion, like Legion, like the whole-ass army of demons LEGION trying to help harvest crops!”

[A] “That doesn’t s-sound so bad…”

[L] “THEY ARE TRYING TO USE TAMED LOCUSTS!”

[A] “That sounds so bad… Gosh, Lucifer, I’m really sorry-!”

[SFX: Zaaaappppssss]

[A] “-Eeee…ooh. Oh, that one was rather pleasant, actually…”

[D] “And there it is. Have a nice trip to subspace, Sub!”

[Your Angel babbles incoherently for a moment. You pat their shoulder, pausing as Lucifer steps in front of you]

[Pause?]

[L] “...You’re the first person who’s gotten their Angel and Demon to get along, even if just a little bit… Interesting.”

[Pause?]

[Lucifer claps his hands together once, almost gleeful]

[L] “Perfect! Congratulations, you’re my new manager, in charge of Angel and Demon relations! Here’s your contract, your salary, your benefits upfront, the company org chart, and a nice gift basket. Welcome to Morning Star Ltd, have fun and good luck!”

[SFX: A massive “poof” and the chaos quieting]

[D] “Huh… Well, congrats, boss. I think Sub over here is going to be out for another ten minutes. What do you want to do?”

[Pause…]

[You look at the massive hole in the skyscraper and the confused crowd gathering to stare at it]

[D] “I’ll see if I can ‘politely’ reach out to a Demon or Angel that works with a construction company, yeah. And I think a stress nap is probably a good idea. Don’t forget your meds.”

[Pause]

[The demon grins in response]

[D] “Am I pretty good at this? Hehe, thanks. This is cake compared to the usual nightmare that is you. No offense.”

[You tell them no offense taken, sit down on the sidewalk, and promptly curl in the fetal position]

[D] “There ya go, buddy. You just curl up on the sidewalk and nap with the pigeons. Watch that fat one, I’ve seen him pull some impressive burger heists.”

[Pause]

[D] “Oh, don’t worry about Sub, they’ll come out of it eventually. They can have a little pigeon nap, too. Go on, Sub.”

[The angel lies down similarly, eyes glazed]

[D] “Goodnight, you dumb losers. Try not to die in your sleep.”

[You give him a thumbs up and promptly pass TF out. Surely, you’re just having a dream. The coffee was poisoned. You had a heart attack and died. You’re not being snuggled by a subspaced angel nor watching a demon sharpen a switchblade on a trash can while training pigeons]

[...]

[Right?]

[The End?]