Context: You've known Ethan since you were both four. Despite his brash, cynical nature, there's no one you feel safer with. You moved from friends to friends-with-benefits to... something you're not sure of. Maybe it's time to talk to him about that.

Setting: Home - Living Room

Tags: [M4A][Friends to ?][Tsundere Friend-With-Benefits Speaker][Friends-With-Benefits Listener][Established relationship][Childhood Friends][Teasing][Flirting][Cuddles][Pinned][Oblivious][VERY Spicy][Jealous?][Mildly Possessive][Protective][Bet][CW: Mentions of Intimacy]

Usage: You may tweak or record this script. Gender flipping is OK! Please credit me if you use this script in any of your projects. If you would like to use this script for a paywalled recording, please note:

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***

[Scene opens in your living room]

[SFX: Rain pouring outside and some old movie playing]

[You lie atop your oldest friend on the couch, idly throwing popcorn into each other’s mouths]

“Popcorn.”

[SFX: Popcorn being grabbed and chewed]

“Soda.”

[SFX: Soda being slurped]

“Thank you, Wifey.”

[Pause…]

“Dude, Wifey is timeless, genderless, and has been your nickname since we were little, so chill out. You’re Wifey. You’re always going to be Wifey. Except to other guys and gals, mind you.”

[Pause]

“Pffft, whatever. You’re too comfortable lying on my chest to do shit about it.”

[Pause!]

“Hey, you spill soda under my belt line, you’re paying for it. Now will you quit being a brat and enjoy this dumb black and white movie you insisted on? I swear, you gave me so much shit when I picked that gross horror movie.”

[Pause]

[He puts on a slightly mocking voice:]

“Ooh no! Not his intestines! Give me those sexy pecs so I can hide my pure little eyes, Ethan! Maybe let me squish them a little bit? I’m just joking, haha!... Unless?”

[He laughs as you bop him with a pillow]

“Pillow fight initiated! New goal acquired!”

[He stands, grabbing a pillow and puts on an ominous voice]

“New goal: destroy Wifey.”

[SFX: A pillow fight, largely cordial]

“Aha! GOT YOU!”

[He pins you under him, grinning ear-to-ear with that dysfunctional smirk]

“Pinned you beneath me. That means you have to answer a forbidden question, no lies, no being coy, just honesty.”

[Pause!]

“Yeah, yeah, you didn’t blow up the microwave, whatever. That’s not what I wanna ask…”

[Pause?]

[He shifts, his front flush with your back. His voice tickles your ear as he cuddles up]

“So, Steve…”

[Pause?]

“Yeah, Volleyball Steve. Tanned, blonde hair, standard beach bro. That Steve.”

[Pause?]

[SFX: Some cloth shuffling]

“Sorry, didn’t mean to nibble on your shoulder. So, um… Do you like him?”

[...]

“Yeah, like… like like. Do you like like him?”

[...]

“Hey, nuh-uh, you don’t get to ask me about Alicia, we’re talking about Volleyball Steve, not Art Class Harpy Alicia!”

[Pause]

“Oh, I will start biting instead of nibbling, I swear on it. Now talk before I go Spanish Inquisition on your ass!”

[Pause…]

“You don’t know how you feel about him? Hmm… That’s probably your brain trying to avoid the blackhole between his ears. Or his stupid onion breath from his daily “salads”... Guy is a fucking loser.”

[Pause]

“What? I’m not jealous! Why would I be jealous, huh? No one gets to have you like I do…”

[Pause…]

“You’re not protesting, you know… You never do. Hell, you’re the one that insisted that we play house all the time as kids when I moved in next door. Hehe, remember what you called me? C’mon… C’mon, say it…”

[...]

[He cackles quietly, nipping your ear lobe as you pout]

“God, that kills me still. “Don’t worry, Snuffles! Daddy’s home with the milk from the crystal palace!”. Hah! Look at you turning all red!”

[Pause!]

“Hehheh, you can die mad, Wifey. You know you’re so mad, so jellllyyyyy…”

[Pause]

“Oh, c’mon, don’t pout. No, seriously, don’t, you know I hate- EUGH. No, I don’t like Alicia, OK? She’s kind of cute, but that’s it. She’s not you, so stop worrying about it.”

[...?]

[He pauses, still just idly pinning you]

“Do I think it’s weird that we’re this close? No. Why? We’ve been best friends since we were like… four.”

[Pause]

“Dude, you can be friends and still be handsy like this. It just means we trust each other more than most couples ever can. Besides, that shit is overrated. Why put a label on a thing that’s just going to wind up fucking ruining it. This is good. This is safe. I care about you more than anything or anyone else, so why ruin a good thing? I’m not going after Alicia. I don’t care about her.”

[Pause?]

“... Look, we should finish the movie if we want to get in all seven of these nightmares in one night.”

[SFX: Some shuffling as Ethan gets off the Listener]

“C’mere, c’mon.”

[He pats his lap and then chest]

“C’mon, cuddle up. It’s too cold in here to be without snuggles.”

[SFX: The Listener cuddling back up]

“What is this one? “The Thirteen Steps”? Guh, fine. You and your obsession with Side Portrait Man.”

[You watch the movie in silence while he plays with your hair]

[Pause?]

“Hm? What would I say if you asked Steve out? Pfft, what would I care, it’s not like we’re a couple.”

[Pause?]

“Do I want to be in a relationship? Pfftt, nah, screw that. That’s all kinds of shitty baggage, all kinds of chances for things to go wrong. I like this. I like what we have, and as long as this doesn’t change, I don’t care who you ask out.”

[Pause]

[He chuckles]

“OK, OK, the ‘benefits’ part of friends with benefits would have to stop, got it. No touchy-feely stuff, no kissing, no warming my hands under your shirt, no cuddles, no… intimacy. Mmh…”

[...]

“...It’d be an adjustment, but… it’s not like I want you stapled to my side like you can’t hang with other guys, you know? I don’t want you to be totally miserable.”

[Pause!]

“Yeah, yeah, whatever, loser. You flick my nip again, you’re going to catch these fangs.”

[Pause!]

“You’re the one that had a vampire kink, my friend! I dressed up as freaking sexy Dracula last Halloween just for you. SEXY. DRACULA! Abs out in the middle of a cold Fall! And then you wanted me to bring those fake fangs to bed, you deviant. DEVIANT, I SAY!”

[Pause]

[He ruffles your hair with an easy smile]

“Die mad, loser. I’ll tousle that hair all I want.”

[...]

[His tone shifts to something gentler]

“Hey… Don’t be nervous about talking to the world’s manliest bimbo, OK? You’re primo Wifey material and he’d be a fucking idiot not to try and put a ring on it. Just don’t be surprised when your theoretical babies float off like balloons because of all the hot air between their ears.”

[Pause]

“Psshh, bet. I could totally get Alicia to go to the club with me. You wanna put money on it?”

[Pause!]

“A hundred to whoever can get their date to the club?”

[Pause]

“It’s on, then. Now, c’mere, we should get in some practice smooching.”

[Pause?]

“Duh! To woo our dates, idiot. Now gimme those lips, this movie’s not going to get any more exciting than this BS.”

[SFX: Cloth shifting and some kissing]

“Mmh… They’ll never know what hit ‘em, Wifey.”

[To be continued]

Note: Shhh, don’t. Nobody tell them. They’ll come home when they’re tired.