Note: I did this one with a Southern accent. You don't have to, but if you're looking for an excuse? Here it is.

[Calling out] You playing with your food again, darling?

[Big Gasp] Oh. My. Goodness.

Y'all are having a moment, and I just walked right into the middle of things, didn’t I? Don't you mind me. You kids just go back to what you were doing. I am not even here.

[Pause 3 Beats]

What's your name, sweetheart?

[Short Pause]

That's a funny name. I like it.

[Pause]

Oh, you just call me Mama, honey. You already met Killer. Not sure if they introduced themselves proper. I swear, I raised all my kids with manners, but do they use them? Hardly never.

[Pause]

Yeah, they got a real name, but we just call them Killer. You can probably guess why.

[Pause]

Uh-huh. That’d be why. Looks like y’all have been getting along alright, though.

[Pause]

You what now?

[Pause]

There's something wrong with you, huh? [Short Pause] Oh, it's not a bad thing. If there ain't nothing wrong with you, there ain't nothing right with you. That's what my mama always used to say.

Have you met the rest of the family? Cletus! Emma Lou Lee! Gomer! Get on down to the murder basement. We got company.

Not that kinda company. Put your weapons down, thank you.

What did I tell you? No manners.

Starting with the youngest. This is my baby girl Emma Lou Lee. She is growing up so fast; it makes my head spin. She beheaded a grown man yesterday, and she didn't need no help.

Then we got Gomer.

[Pause]

Don’t you worry about Gomer. He don’t talk much. Or…ever.

And that there is Cletus. We’ve been married. We’ve been divorced. Damned if I know which one we are now.

[Short Pause]

Don't you start, Cletus.

I swear, that man brings out the devil in me.

[Pause]

[Sotto-Voce] No, they are not food. They are our guest.

Can I get you anything? You’ve been tied up down here for a real long while now.

[Pause]

You'd kill for a glass of water? Oh honey, you might have to. [Laughs] Kidding! I'm kidding. My kids are always telling me not to be so gosh-darned silly, but I just can't help it. I got a lot of joy in me. I'm a lover not a fighter. And I can kill a man with my bare hands, so that should tell you how big my heart is.

Gomer, go get this poor thing a glass of water.

[Short Pause]

You are so polite. Such a sweetheart. I could just eat you up! Not like that, Emma Lou Lee, you put that fork away.

[Pause]

Oh, hush, Cletus. I ain't assuming nothing.

You think our friend here's real pretty, right, Killer? 'Course you do, because they are just as pretty as a peach. Besides, you ain't picky. And you shouldn't be. This might be your only chance.

[Sotto-Voce] Do not look at me like that, child. I am trying to help you.

Now, come on, y’all. Let’s try to make a good first impression.

[Pause]

Okay, you're not wrong about that, we might be a little late for the first impression, but that just means the second impression matters all the more.

I am so sorry about murdering all your friends, by the way. I just hope you weren't too attached. Friendships when you're young, they come and they go.

Oh, you didn't know them. You were just hitchhiking. Where you hitchhiking to?

[Short Pause]

I don't know that town. It sounds real nice, though. No? Well, all the more reason to settle down here. Put down roots. You ever thought about getting married? Having kids? Lot of kids?

[Sotto-Voce] Do not ruin this for me, Cletus. I want grandchildren I do not have to steal.

Those kids you were driving around with were real disrespectful. Not like you, honey. Not one bit. If I was you, I wouldn’t even have gotten in that car.

[Pause]

You were gonna kill them? Oh, you are pulling my leg. They're pulling my leg. Are you pulling my leg?

[Pause]

[Big Gasp] Oh. My. Goodness. You ever killed somebody before? Because that was a big group of kids. That’d be real ambitious for your first time.

[Pause]

I swear, somebody up above guided you to our door because sweetheart, you belong here. I don’t even care if you wanna marry them, Killer — though you should; they’re the best you’re ever gonna get — either way, I am keeping them.

How do you feel about cannibalism? Good? Great? On the fence?

[Pause]

Well, it ain’t the tastiest thing on Earth, but buying meat nowadays costs an arm and a leg. So you might as well just eat the arm and the leg.

[Pause]

See? Somebody thinks I’m funny. Come along, now, darling. Let’s get that rope off your neck and get you all cleaned up in time for dinner.