Context: You left your old life behind years ago, running from a lot of bad things and a lot of bad people. Your new life led you to making friends with a kind family and growing close to them over the years. One woman you consider a sort of unofficial "cousin", and you figure there's no harm in spoiling her. Today, it's her wedding day and she seems so happy to have you there. Maybe a little too happy.

Setting: A destination wedding

Tags:[F4M][Yandere Assassin Bride Speaker][On-The-Run Listener][Assassin][Wedding][Flirting][Kisses][Tensions][Mild Comedy][Proposal][Twist Ending][TW: Attempted Assassination]

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***

[Scene opens at a tasteful destination wedding]

[SFX: Wedding chatter]

[You meander around after the ceremony when the bride taps your arm]

“Hey! I’m so glad you made it! How’s about a hug, hm?”

[Pause]

[She lets out her odd little laugh but quickly covers her mouth]

“A-Ahem, sorry. Hate my stupid laugh. I’m really glad you made it, though! I know you had to travel pretty far to get here, but it means the world.”

[Pause]

“Heehee, I am very excited to finally marry my best friend! You know, I thought you might have disapproved at first. You just seemed so disappointed when I made the announcement, what, a year ago? Geeze, time flies!”

[Pause?]

“Hmm? You feel like people have been giving you weird looks? Ah, maybe it’s some old drama. Maybe you pissed off Aunt Glenda eight years ago and she’s spent all of this time trying to convince people you are of ‘ill repute’, hehe. You totally know she would.”

[Pause]

“Hehe… I know, I know, this family can be so damn toxic, right? That’s why I’m extra glad you’re here. You’re my favorite family member.”

[Pause?]

“Who isn’t blood-related, yep! That’s why you’re my favorite. No crazy in your veins, heehee. Think you can spare me a dance?”

[Pause]

[SFX: Wedding safe music]

[You take her hand and lead her into a dance]

“Hmm? Oh, no one’s staring at you, calm down.”

[...]

“It’s just nerves, I promise! I should be the nervous one, sheesh. You always act like someone’s on your tail, you know? So paranoid, I swear. What, did you used to be a crime lord or something? Silly billy.”

[Pause]

[She laughs]

“You’re so funny! Going all pale and sweating like that. Let me guess, you were a mob boss! An oil tycoon! Ooh, did you “kill” someone, hehe? Oh. Can you imagine? Someone having to run from a life like that?”

[Pause]

“Aww, I’m sorry. I’ll stop teasing. Don’t worry, you’re safe here, with me.”

[...]

[As you dance with the bride, you feel her subtly run her hands up the small of your back]

[Pause?]

“...Have you realized, yet?”

[...]

“It’s donning on you now, isn’t it?”

[SFX: A knife sliding free of a hidden sheath]

“Hmhmhm… you’re a hard man to find, you know? I’ve had to track you for over three years now. Infiltrate your new little family, pass myself off as a cousin you forgot, and, oh, you just felt so bad for forgetting me. You were so happy when I announced my “engagement”, but… was that a little bit of jealousy I saw? Hmmm? Having some thoughts, Mister?”

[Pause]

[You try and yank away but her grip is like iron]

“Ah, ah, ah… Everyone here is in on it, Mister. I just wanted to see the look of fear in your eyes before I puncture a lung. For what it’s worth…”

[She bats her eyelashes at you sarcastically]

“You do clean up real nice, hehe. Now-!”

[Pause!!!]

[She pauses, cocking her head at you]

“... I know I look good as a bride. Now, shut up and let me stab-!”

[Pause!]

[She lets out a frustrated groan]

“Hey, if I wanted to be a bride, I’d BE a bride! OK?! I’m gorgeous, I’m driven, and I can solve every crossword without needing to look ANYTHING up! I am a catch! But, right now, I’m a working woman and my job is literally killing you, so could you-!”

[Pause!]

“Ugghh, yes, I’ve wanted to be a bride since I was a little girl! Lots of girls do that! I’ll find someone who appreciates me on my own time!”

[Pause]

“Y-Yes, someone to admire my… intelligence?”

[Pause]

“And beauty…?”

[Pause]

“And my laugh…?”

[She lets out that odd but cute laugh again, blushing]

“Oh… no one has ever liked my laugh… Hmhm, you are charming, aren’t you? Insane to be flirting with an assassin, specifically YOUR assassin, but… there is something about you… You’ve really complicated things, you know that? I’m not meant to feel any kind of affection for my marks, but nooo… You with all of your nice gifts, all the time you spent with me, all the stories you told me, even funding my godamn college education?! I wanted to go to school for architecture and you just said “OK!”. You mob boys, I swear… You do everything spur of the moment and with maximum fanfare! What are you going to do now, huh? You’re not getting out of this! Even… if you are a nice man…”

[Pause?]

[The crowd tosses you confused looks as she gasps dramatically]

“W-Will I marry you?! R-Right here, right now?!”

[Pause]

[She looks around at the other guests who seem equally confused]

“...What do you say, boys? Girls? First ever wedding of a hundred assassins and one victim?”

[SFX: A cheer]

“YES! Yes, yes, yes! HEAR THAT, MOM?! YOUR DUD’S GETTING MARRIED FIRST! TELL KATRINA TO SUCK IT! Ha! I knew it, I knew I’d marry a proper, rich gent, I knnnnewww it! Baby, our honeymoon is going to have to take a detour so we can go to Vermont, gather my whole family up, and then rent a helicopter to rain down hundred dollar bills with “SUCK IT” on it instead of the regular text! You don’t mind, right baby?”

[Pause?]

“Oh, haha, sorry. Katrina’s my little sister and a right bit… a-ahem. Doesn’t matter. Gimme. Gimme gimme gimme!”

[She makes grabby hands at you and you have the good sense to kneel and present the ring she gave you earlier]

[Pause?]

[She turns into a mess, sobbing as you put the ring on her finger]

“YES, I’LL MARRY YOU! Barry set up the non-poison food and cake, we’re doing this! Oh, also, to all the lovely guests here: he’s mine, and if any of you get any funny ideas, This knife hand is real itchy and I have no problem puncturing some lungs if any of you step to me, got it?!”

[SFX: Concerned murmuring]

“Yay! C’mon, c’mon, c’mon, the Priest is going to lose circulation in his wrists if we don’t get him now!”

[You’re dragged to the altar and a man who you presume to be the real priest. The poor man has to read the vows in his boxers and handcuffs]

“Yes, yes, yes, yes, yessss! Finally, you’re all mine! Do you have any idea how many of your stupid dates I had to scare off? Eugh, way too many. But now you don’t have to worry about that because I’ll be with you, forever and always, and you’ll never, ever, EVER need to look at other ladies, OK?”

[Pause]

[She folds her arms with a pout]

“Oh, fine… If it’s for business purposes… but if you cheat on me, you know I’ll kill you, riiighhhttt?”

[Pause]

“Good! Heehee, c’mere, gimme that first kiss!”

[She grabs you and dips you into an intense kiss]

[SFX: Applause]

[Your new bride licks her lips and grins down at you]

“You’re mine now, mob boy… Til death do us part.”

[You are surprisingly OK with this]

[The End]