CW: Talking about family issues and suicide

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Anybody else just straight up hate the holidays? IDK maybe I spent too much time in retail. You might not buy this but I swear this isn't autobiographical (for one thing I'm not this old). Although obviously I took inspiration from the various retail jobs I've done (and I've done a lotttttt) and stories people have told me about what's happened to them on the holidays. I imagined the speaker as having either a Boston or a Philadelphia accent, but no need to do it like that. As always good to monetize and modify.

P.S. Hate Christmas? I recommend the song "This Holiday" by Dragged Under.

P.P.S. Should I set up a KoFi?

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Your partner always spends Christmas alone in their work shed. Nobody really knows why, or what they do, but you decide that if they’ll have you then there's nothing you’d rather do on Christmas than spend it with them, however they decide to spend it.

Dialogue in plain text

SFX in bold

Context in italics

Context that affects the audio in bold italics

Listener s standing outside of the shed. Its a cold day in a green December. It's cloudy and kinda dreary.

Knocking

Go away

Knocking

Go! Away!

Knocking

Ok Yeesh I’m coming, but I swear to god if you’re a caroler I’m gonna murder you with a broken beer bottle in front of your kids!

Door Opens They’re surprised to see the listener

Oh hey babe, what's up? I thought you went down to see your family?

You’d rather spend Christmas with me? I don't think you would. I just hide here in my shed and tune it all out.

Here come in, you're letting the heat out.

Door shuts

Take a seat on the couch, I’ll be with you in a second. I gotta take my Pad Thai out of the microwave.

Beer? I only have Guinness and uhhhh looks like some Rolling Rock? They were the only beers at the corner store that weren't in holiday packaging. I’ve also got some Vernors.

Sorry this place is a mess. Most of the year I just work on my car and stuff in here. I only break out the old TV and couch for Christmas. I call this my “Christmas Bunker”. It's where I shelter in place until the holidays are over.

They sit down and open a beer for the listener

What do I do here? I just hide out. I can't stand all this holiday stuff.

What? I just don't like it! It’s a vile carnival of corporate excess resting on the corpse of something that used to be sacred. An overhyped day of glurge and hypocrisy! A joyless end to a joyless season.

I’m not really even religious anymore, but isn't it supposed to be a time to reflect and stuff? Not stress about what brand of toaster to buy your racist uncle.

They catch themselves starting a rant

Sorry, don't get me started on this ok? I’ve never told anybody this stuff and I’m scared I’ll just launch into some mega rant.

Can I lay my head in your lap? I really like doing that.

They lay down.

Thank you. I like it down here, looking into your eyes.

They Sigh

I know it's pretty weird to hate Christmas with this much passion, but well I’ve never associated the holiday season with anything positive. Christmas has been nothing but a nightmare to me.

Listener asks if they want to talk about it

I’d tell you the stories but you don't want to hear it.

Its ok

No really you don't want to hear it.

You sure?

Well yeah I’d love to rant, but I don't want you to think I’m all bent out of shape. Theres some bad stuff out there in my past.

All right I warned you.

Four days before Christmas 2001. Me and my mom go to grandma’s place to bake cookies for the church bake sale. I can't frost them the way grandma wants. So she starts screaming at me. Whenever grandma gets like that mom freezes up just like she did as a kid, mom can't stand up to grandma. I get dressed down for about five minutes, until my older brother tells grandma to shut up.

Christmas day 2004 my dad gets drunk on eggnog, and lets slip that he and mom are getting divorced. I’m thirteen at the time.

Christmas eve 2009, my older brother leaves me a note, goes out to the docks and slits his wrists. I never even knew he was suicidal. I miss him so much. I’d give anything to have him back.

Remember when you met me? I’d just left my job at that department store chain? Don't worry if you can't remember the name, that little patch of hell is better left unspoken. I’d been working there for almost ten years at that point. Christmas was always the worst part of the year. Just a constant rush, understaffing, inventory time we weren’t paid for.

It wasn't so bad those first couple years , when the company was still locally based and we were still union, but once the old lady that owned the chain died, and those raiders bought us out it just got bad fast. Shipments were late, they'd advertise stuff in the paper and not tell us. That one year they tried to pay us in commission, and that was a fiasco.

And every year it seemed like the customers got worse and worse. Like the first couple years we got a little respect, but once management decided that the customers were gods they started acting like demons. They’d just scream at my people because we were out of flat screen TVs or whatever. I was a manager, but I just had to let them treat my workers like trash. Do you know what that feels like? To just be powerless in the face of that sort of stuff?

You know this scar beneath my eye? The one I make up a new story for everytime you ask? Well let me give you the real story.

Black Thursday 2014, formerly known as thanksgiving. We open at five in the evening, eight hundred customers swarm in and we lose control immediately. Two middle aged white ladies are waiting in line and start fighting over a crock pot.

I try to break it up. One slaps me, her fake nail on her little finger is broken and razor sharp. It slices my face open. I had to go to the hospital for stitches. I returned to the building last month when the Halloween store opened up. There's still a stain on the carpet there.

I’d get one day off to spend with my mom and then. Then it was the return season which was even worse than the shopping season. The worst customers came back for round two.

Between late October and February I worked about 70 hours a week. A decent chunk of it wasn't paid, because they never paid us for inventory when the store was closed. It was a literal nightmare. And it was all because of one stupid little day!

They get emotional

So I just absolutely hate Christmas! I hate it! I don't want to participate in it and I don't have to!

Deep breath.

I’m hiding out here from it, and that's why I told you to just go see your family without me.

I’m not planning much. I’m gonna sit here and watch the least holiday themed movies I could find in my old DVDs. This year I got a bunch of those bleak ass Boston crime flicks.

I just finished The Departed and was about to start The Friends of Eddie Coyle. Then either Millers Crossing or The Town. After that I’ll probably play some GTA on my old PS2. It's not much of a celebration, but it's all I want to do on a day like this.

And I mean screw it right? I’m an adult! The only family of mine I want to see anyways is my mom and she lives in Santa Fe now! I’ll call her tomorrow.

Don't get me wrong I love your family, your mom is so nice and your dad is a real funny guy, but I don't want them to see me when I’m at my worst. They saw me at Thanksgiving anyways.

You should have gone to see them though. Won't they be mad?

Are you sure? I don't want them thinking I’m some messed up person that's taking up all your time.

Well if you’re willing to spend it with me I wont turn you down. Wanna cuddle?

They begin spooning the listener

Listen, I know I’m kind of weird, especially right now. But it really means a lot to me that you're willing to humor me and try to understand where I’m coming from.

You’re alright, your parents raised you good. I’ll tell them that next time I see them.

They kiss the listener

A non-Christmas kiss for my wonderful baby. No mistletoe required.

Fair warning this movie is sad as hell. I can't stand that warm and cozy holiday glurge.

Thanks for listening to my rant. If you're with me then this is probably the best Christmas I’ve ever had.

-30-