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[A4A] " I'm Trying So Hard" [Stressed Speaker] [Reverse Comfort] [Academic Anxieties] [Venting]

"I don't think I can do this anymore. I feel like they never end!"

[Speaker throws books on the ground]

...

[Listener opens the door]

...

[Speaker gets startled]

"Ahhh, you frightened me. I didn't realize you came home. "

...

"I've been ripping my heart out over these assignments. I don't even feel like I'm grounded in reality anymore. "

[Speaker's voice softens]

"I just started venting. I didn't even ask how you were. I didn't even ask about your day. Ugh!"

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"Is it really alright? I don't want to be selfish just talking about myself -"

[Listener cuts Speaker off]

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"I guess I do want to talk about it."

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"I have something due every single day. Sometimes I think school was a mistake. I don't think I'm cut out for this. I see other's around me and I feel like I'm unnecessarily freaking out. They look so calm and I'm not. I'm starting to feel I'm the problem and not school or the assignments."

[Speaker exhales heavily]

"Finals are coming up. How am I to study when I have so many assignments? I have to be skipping classes to do assignments for that same class. I have been trying to work it out on my own.*"

[Speaker laughs frustrated]

"So you heard, I'm not doing a good job."

...

"I have no time to just sleep. I feel so guilty taking a break when I know I have so much to get some in such a short amount of time. I haven't known peace ."

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" You know I'll rather run myself into the dirt than consider failing . These days though I constantly want to give up... But I can't."

[Speaker starts to sniffle]

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"I didn't think I could cry about it but the more I talk about the situation, the more it becomes real to me. I can see how I'm really struggling. I feel so worthless and I don't know how I'll get over it all. I feel as if I am trying my best but ..."

[Speaker's voice breaks as they try to hold back the tears]

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"I've been trying to keep myself together because I know if I start to cry and fall apart I might never get back on track."

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"My mental health is non-existent. But I can't stop to fix it. I don't have that kind of time."

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"I just want to be done with all this."

[ Speaker breaks down into tears]

"I- I know I'm not okay and I'm still pushing through hell."

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"I'm just so tired. This is so unfair to feel this way in my final year. I was supposed to finish strong."

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"You do reassure me but I can't even accept it. I appreciate it but I doubt it will ever save me. I'm sorry."

[Speaker sniffles]

"I really don't know how to cope. I have an essay due tomorrow and I still have 480 words to meet the word limit. Not to mention references... I-"

...

[Speaker takes a deep breath]

" I was getting all worked up again. I feel as if I'm on a rollercoaster ride. The ups and downs or maybe I'm stuck upside down in one of the loops. Very stuck. I feel so stuck."

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"I do appreciate you being with me to listen but I know this feeling won't ever pass unless I complete all my assignments. I'll never feel better if I still have that responsibility on me."

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"It's harder to complete them because the semester is almost over and I have not seen a single grade for the assignments I have already submitted. That's very demotivating, I have absolutely no idea where I stand in my courses. I don't know if I'm feeling or doing well or I'm getting straight A's. So I have no idea if I can take a break and relax. I can't afford to risk it."

...

"I do appreciate you trying. You're like the wall I can lean on when I'm tired, but I know that I have to take this journey on my own. Only I can complete my work, submit it and hope for the best. I wish there was a healthier way to get through this but no matter how hard I try to find one the only option left is to run myself dry... Or at least fairly damp. "

...

[Speaker sniffles]

" I see that you leave sandwiches outside my door and water because the energy drinks dry me out. Thank you . "

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"I hope I can take the entire winter break recuperate and relax. I know you said I shouldn't be too hard on myself but that's the only way I can finish this. Just to push and push. Drag myself to the finish line . I graduate next year... In a couple months. I can't possibly stop. I have less strength to start over but I have enough to pull myself to the finish line. I'm well aware of the tool this is taken for me and I think it makes me feel worse that I have no power to make it better. "

...

"The education system is such a joke."

[ Speaker laughs]

"Did you know the university sent an email advising us to take care of our mental health even linking their mental health and therapy hotlines. I know it's stupid but I actually called. I was stupid enough to think it would work. I picked up the phone and I called and it went straight to voicemail. I tried three times. By the third time, I cried in the bathroom for an hour. I'd rather if they told me to go to hell. This is so crazy."

...

[Speaker sighs deeply]

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"What's a crazy thing to experience at such a low point in my life. Suppose that was my final straw, my 13th reason? "

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"You know I don't even feel angry or upset. I feel so neutral right now."

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" I don't feel much mental pressure. It's probably because I'm talking about it and the weight is being lifted off my shoulder. I still feel anxious though... I can't seem to get rid of that."

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"Yeah, thanks. I do feel less overwhelmed."

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"You always try your best to support me even when you can't do much for me. I really do appreciate it."

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" I really want to survive this. I'm trying so hard. Nothing about this semester is fulfilling. I feel so robbed of my humanity."

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" I want to go out with you for ice cream and go watch movies. I want to go out at 12:00 a.m. to get a burger. I want to be able to sleep at night without feeling anxious. I miss who I was. I crave mundane things like a hot meal... And things that aren't energy drinks. I even feel as if I have been neglecting you even though you tell me that you understand I am swamped with work. I just feel bad about everything. "

...

"I barely have a bright side to look at but you make me want to search for one . I'm trying to look for one... any rays of sunlight I can hold on to."

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" Can I stay here? I feel it's fair since I gave up on whatever I was doing tonight. It wasn't making any sense. That's probably because I'm sleep deprived."

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"If I still want ice cream and a movie? Yeah I guess so ... why?"

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"You'll order? "

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"The burgers too ? More than one? "

[ Speaker's voice brightens]

" Say you're kidding… you're bringing out your projector?"

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"You want to use as much time as you can with me while I've given up."

[Speaker chuckles]

"You've already started ordering ? You're fast."

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"I saw you were thinking of something but my mind never went here."

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"So I just get to sit down and live out the mundane things I just spoke about? "

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" This is just what I needed. I can't believe I couldn't do it myself...I guess I wouldn't let myself do it anyway."

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"Thank you so much ."

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"A warm bath?"

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"I really can't remember the last time I sat and soaked in a bath just because I could."

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"You would do that for me ?"

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"What about you?"

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"Would you join me? "

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"Of course I want you with me. You just heard me say... Granted in more words than this that I miss you. So yes I want you to join me... Please?"

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"See, that's what I want to hear. "

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"Food will be here in an hour? Then I guess we have an hour then ."

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"I know I said I gave up but I'm gonna un-give up at midnight. I'm just too anxious to follow through. So I'll have 4 hours with you to do whatever."

[Speaker laughs]

[Speaker kisses Listener]

"Thank you so much ... I think you are definitely my brighter side."

FIN