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All use is encouraged. You can edit. You can paywall. You can monetize. You can use an ancient mermaid charm to insult this script, even though it could totally crush you. Go nuts! Credit SplashiestPig.

Key:

( ) = Verbal Sound Effect

[ ] = Added Sound Effect

* * = Silent Insert

{ } = Line Delivery

Muddied Waters

[sea storm ambiance]

Tighten the jib and slack the spinnakers! Man the portside cannons! We’ve got a date with destiny, and it ain’t gonna end with a kiss!

*small pause*

Aim true! Anyone who misses that monster will be loaded in with the next shot!

*small pause*

Fire all!

[cannons fire]

The beast felt that! Ready harpoons! I won’t let this snake get away from us!

*small pause*

{yelling}

I’ve got you now, you slimy-faced monster!

*small pause*

Fire harpoons! And lodge ‘em quick! Else the whale might suck you down to the depths!

*small pause*

Drop anchor! We’ll lock the monster down, and pepper it til’ its last breath!

[wood groans]

Don’t lose your nerve, men! The ship will hold! Focus on slaying this sea dragon!

[cannons fire]

*small pause*Keep at it!

[wood groans]

The beast is tiring! We’ve almost got it! Think of the reward, men! Ten thousand gold pieces from the bounty alone! Plus whatever we can sell to those freaks at Solven! We’ll be rich!

[wood buckles]

Fire all!

[cannons fire]

[wood snaps]

Brace!

[ship splashes]

Steady yourselves! We may have lost the anchor, but we aren’t out yet! That beast is still dragging us behind! Ready the bow chaser! And load it with scrap! If this monster thinks it can pull us around, we’re gonna make it think again!

*small pause*

Quartermaster! Ready the Minnow. If that beast starts submerging, we’re going to dive after it!

*small pause*

Fire forward cannons!

[cannons fire]

Drop all sails! We need to add some drag to this line! Reel in this oversized fish!

[bell rings]

No. No! That can’t be the lookout bell! This snake isn’t smart enough for that!

*small pause*

(growl)

Brace for impact, men! The fish is trying to beach us! Don’t let a sandbar buck you off!

[boat crashes]

Lodged? No! I won’t let this fish escape. Not again! All starboard cannoneers, head below deck! Keep this boat above the waves! Quartermaster, Bo’sun, with me! The Minnow is more than enough to finish a wounded beast!

*small pause*

I’ll seal the hatches. You two ready the long arm. We need to get our hooks in that monster before it makes for deeper waters.

*small pause*

Cutting the ropes! The Minnow is submerging.

[muffled sea ambiance]

Fire when ready.

[harpoon wooshes]

Nice shot, Bo’sun! We aren’t losing this snake anytime soon! Now, let’s start readying flares. We’ve gotta show the Plunder where to drop… the…

*small pause*

Poseidon’s beard. It’s huge. Bigger than I ever imagined.

*small pause*

And it's coming up at us! Let’s hope the Minnow can hold up against a brush-by.

[wood crunches]

It’s grabbed us! This dumb fish must think we’re a snack! Quick. Ready the-

[wood snaps]

No!

[water floods]

*pause*

You dumb monster! You break my sub! You drown my men! But I bet you didn’t count on me being able to breathe down here, did you?

*small pause*

I’ll cut you up myself if I have to!

(grunt of effort)

I’ll make you pay for-

(groan)

{strained}

Gonna crush me now too? A mighty sea beast reduced to fighting a human?

*listener speaks*

(exhale)

By the gods, you can speak! What sort of monster are you?

*listener responds*

Sod that! What magiks are you in league with? To even speak underwater you’d need some exceptional hearing, and a little magic to boot!

*listener comments*

I will not have some fish flip my questions! I’ve got a few friends of the aquatic variety, and they’ve given me a few gifts over the years. That’s all you’re getting from me! Now, be a good little monster and surface so my men can get another sweep at you!

*listener swims*

No, you dumb snake! To the surface, not deeper! You have to face us for-

(groan)

{strained}

Do it! Crush me. But know, I am |Character’s Name|. Captain of The Queen’s Plunder. And I will not die trying to please some overgrown eel!

(gasp)

You dumb animal! Can’t you finish anything? Either kill me, or surface! You can’t leave again! You owe me that much!

*listener denies*

Oh, now that got a rise out of you! What? Don’t like remembering the terrible things you did? Not too fond of actually taking the responsibility for your actions?

*listener threatens*

Save it. You’re a monster. You deserve everything my crew and I could possibly do.

*listener states*

Don’t lie to me, snake! I’ve been after you for years. I’ve read up on every scrap about you. So you can stop trying to highroad me. You’re remorseless, and if I didn’t know that firsthand, then the fishing vessels you sunk could tell me instead.

*listener speaks*

Shut up. Listening to you talk is worse torture than you pulling me down to the abyss. If you actually wanted me to believe you had a conscious below all those scales, you’d either end me or flop up on that sandbar and let me kill you.

*listener answers*

Oh, I’m sure. The reptilian monster from ten thousand leagues below doesn’t want to kill the captain that’s been chasing it for years? Makes perfect sense.

*listener insists*

Then why crash us on shore? Why crush the Minnow?

*listener responds*

That was before you knew I would be able to understand you? And know what? Did me saying a few words underwater shake you to your core? Do you recognize me as a person, and suddenly feel sorry for everything you did?

*listener denies*

Useful? Me? My darling monster, I’m flattered! But I promise, I’d sooner die than help you.

*listener offers*

Bringing up my crew isn’t a smart play. They’re all ready to die for this cause, and even if they weren’t, I’d gladly sacrifice them to stop you. I’ve spent twenty years chasing you, I’m not going to help you escape now.

*listener questions*

Because you’re a plague. A stain on this blue Earth. You deserve nothing more than to be cut up and sold by the slice like the whale you are.

*listener states*

Your talk is falling on deaf ears, snake. I’ve seen you. Seen the carnage. I won’t believe you’re any sort of innocent in this.

*listener asks*

Sudden curiosity, hm? You never seemed to care why I was chasing you before.

*listener insists*

(dry chuckle)

Are you hoping to find some crack in my story? To show me that this was all one big misunderstanding? Because if you are, you’ve got another thing coming.

*listener goads*

No, I’ll gladly tell the story. It’s my favorite one. The day I found a purpose.

*small pause*

Twenty-two years ago, I was on a cruiser. Three sails, and two anchors, but not a cannon, nor gun to be seen. My family and I were off to see an aunt or an uncle, and I was as excited as could be. After all, I was no older than ten, and it was my first time sailing across the bay. I’m focusing on every little detail when I notice an odd slick across the water. A long, thin line where the waves seem to crash a little too early. Does that description ring any bells?

*small pause*

Before I could even bring my mother to see the funny little swell, you snapped. Unprompted, and unprovoked. You tore the back half of the boat clean off and I got knocked straight off the deck. From the surface, I watched as you circled around for the front, and then the deck, and then the survivors on the masts. Barring me, you didn’t leave a single soul to tell the tale. I would have drowned too if I wasn’t lucky enough to catch a favorable riptide inland. And once I washed up, I knew exactly what I had to do. I had to kill you, and the more I studied, the more I realized that what you had done to my boat was not an isolated incident. You had been picking off mid-sized ships for years. Countless deaths, all on your scaly claws.

*small pause*

So tell me, monster. Am I not justified to seek you out? Do you not deserve the steel side of a ramming bow? Do you have some twisted motive for the death you bring?

*listener states*

Whaling ships? I can’t say I understand.

*listener clarifies*

You thought my boat was a whaling ship? And… that makes it better, in your eyes?

*listener confirms*

Why’s that?

*listener explains*

(laugh)

That’s your big push? The motive behind the murders, the secrets behind the destruction. It all boils down to, “I’m hungry”?

*listener speaks*

It’s not me being reductive, it’s stupid. Who cares if the whaling ships kill off a few more whales than you’d like? The oil, the blubber, the marrow, we put it to better use than you ever could. The empires run on whale oil, and you smashing a few ships won’t change anything.

*listener denies*

Was that all you had? We killed the whales, so you eat the ships for sustenance, and hope that we’ll get the message and stop fishing? That’s your excuse for killing my family?

*listener speaks*

You are a monster. And you’re just as dumb as I thought. I’m done bobbing back and forth through this. Either let me go, or eat me so I can see my family again.

*listener denies*

Oh, you’re not done with me yet? Your brain must be smaller than a crab if you forgot about what I said. I’d rather die than help you.

*listener asks*

But would I help you, to kill you? Have you gone mad, snake?

*listener comments*

What about the Queen’s Plunder?

*listener states*

She’s not sinking! Never has there been a studier ship. She’ll survive this.

*listener claims*

Not without your help? And how exactly would a sea serpent help a pirate ship?

*listener offers*

You’d ferry her to shore? And why would you do that? Hoping to earn some sympathy?

*listener denies*

Well then, you aren’t completely stupid. I would hunt you til’ my last breath. So I suppose that means you’ll be killing me.

*listener disagrees*

No? I retract my statement then. You are completely stupid. Why would you act as a savior to the one ship and crew that might actually stand a chance at killing ya’?

*listener muses*

To send a message? So you are banking on sympathy then.

*listener denies*

Oh, I would send the message, now would I? And what exactly would this message be?

*listener explains*

You want me to go to whatever kings and queens would lend an ear, and tell them about you? Tell them that you’re willing to negotiate? And in exchange, you’ll deliver me, my ship, and my crew to safety?

*listener confirms*

And what assurance would you have that I won’t take your deal and neglect to speak of your plight to anyone?

*listener speaks*

Nuthin but my word, eh? You truly are daft.

*listener comments*

Oh, I’ll gladly be taking the deal, no doubt of that. And I may even honor it. Who’s to say? But I will go straight back to hunting you the second the Queen is ship-shape again.

*listener confirms*

Well then, I’m glad we could come to an understanding. Now, why don’t you surface on the port side? All the men manning those cannons are below deck.

*listener denies*

Oh, and how would you know I’m lying?

*listener comments*

You could hear me barking orders, could you? Noted, the creature’s exceptional hearing could be exploited via sound mines. Thanks for giving me another weapon.

*small pause*

You should push the Queen from the base of the rudder chain. It’s mahogany, it can take a little thrashing.

*listener speaks*

Yes, I’m being truthful now. If I can’t kill you here, it’s best I maximize my chances later. Speaking of which, where do you make rest?

*listener comments*

Well, if you want to negotiate with a human, I can hardly just point at the ocean and say, “The monster is somewhere out there”, now can I?

*listener speaks*

You come to Serpent’s Rest every full moon? You’re telling me that place’s name is actually accurate?

*listener confirms*

It’s where you were born? That just may be useful to me too. You’re just plenty cooperative, aren’t you?

*listener speaks*

Oh, well I guess you’ll just have to wait and see. Come next full moon, there’ll either be a committee waiting to talk, or a few hundred ships waiting in ambush. And you’ll just have to find out which.

*listener assures*

Oh, you could best a hundred ships? Well then, you should be willing to come to the rest either way then, shouldn’t you?

*listener confirms*

I’m glad you see it my way. Now, get me back up on my ship. I’m not riding to land in your claws.

*listener speaks*

Don’t push your luck, monster. I may just have the mines detonated if I feel like it. Kill us both in one fell swoop.

*listener denies*

Yeah yeah, I’m sure. Just get me back on the Plunder. I’ve got an encounter to arrange.